Sad.

A missed nap and a long day; this is the result.

I remember being his age very well. I remember my room being a scary place, I remember waking up in the middle of the night paralysed by fear; my larynx feeling closed through absolute terror of the dark, the strange noises and even my head board absolutely terrified me. Sleep and I weren't friends and we haven't really had a stable relationship since. My hope and wish for Roman is that he doesn't end up with the same sleep issues and every time he misses a nap or refuses to sleep I panic. 

I never know what to do other than not force him to sleep and to just be there if something is disturbing/upsetting him. But my goodness it works me up so much when he won't lie down when he's clearly exhausted and I lose it (shamefully.) I swear (shamefully), I sometimes cry and a lot of the time I just throw my hands up and wonder why. Why is he fighting sleep so much when he's clearly wiped out? It's rare when he fights sleep but because it's so rare I just don't know how to handle the situation - it's a new, scary, territory for me. And I'm sure it's not a barrel of laughs for Roman, either. For both of us; it's hell. Roman gets upset, teary and worked up and I'm much of the same. When Ro was four months old he refused to co-sleep with us so I know this isn't a route or option that will work for our family, despite many failed attempts to try this. It's just hard and upsetting to see him like this and not have any idea what you can do.

A little tip for you (for me? For M.E?)...

don't spend the night/early hours Googling 'do people with M.E get better?'


1. You already knew the answer. It's one of those cryptic answer-style questions. It's a definite no for you. So stop looking for answers.


2. Puffy eyes due to sobbing them out isn't a good look for you. The eye area is already over taken by suit cases and dark shadows.


3. Don't then type 'What life do people with ME even have?' or 'do people with ME work?'


So...do you have any little tips for me? Perhaps how I can get rid of my puffy eyes due to sobbing them out?


:(.

I'm Still Learning.

I love the messiness of this photo. His face, my face. The movement of the photo; aka all over the place.

I'm still learning so much about everything. Every day.

And I'm glad.

It shows I've got a reason to wonder why, to ask internal questions and to ponder why I'm not just like everyone else.

I've never had a true best friend outside my family. 

Don't hate yourself because people think you're pretty; enjoy being pretty and look beyond the superficial front everyone else see's. 

The one thing I thought I'd hate and be bored of - having a family and being married - is the one thing I love more than anything.

Never have I been more happy than I have right now. But I'm struggling so much, every day - in so many petty, pampered, Western ways. I struggle.

With who I am - and who the hell am I anyway?

A Mormon Girl. A Mother. A Wife. A Woman. A Feminist. A Person. An Equal Person.

A Writer. A Lover Of Photography. A Perfectionist. 

The person whose consistently working on getting healthier - a work in progress and an uphill struggle at once.

The person who sits at home on a Sunday morning, thinking; "When will it be my turn?"

My turn to be like everyone else.

To be driven crazy with Roman on my lap babbling and fussing in equal measure the whole way through three hours worth of church. To be partaking sacrament. To hear the sweet singing of; "I love to see the temple, I'm going there someday." 

I just know there aren't many people who can relate to any of this "stuff."

I'm constantly prodded for answers (like I have them) about "why I don't go to church?"

After all I'm 25. Not 95. Surely I must be the most healthiest specimen you've ever seen?

Truth is I barely leave my flat. The best I can hope for is the view from my living room or a quick stroll to the park - which kills me.

I don't really ask for any sympathy, empathy or understanding - just let the World stop with the questions and assumptions.

I had a look at some photographs tonight and they made me feel really empty. I've missed out on so, so much. I've missed out on best friends, on making new friends and having opportunities to spend time with people, to socialise.

When I was in London I made some really great friends. But that's over now. And it's hard trying to forget what friendship feels like, what friends used to mean to me.

I'm happy because I have my family but sometimes I'm just a little sad knowing that I'll never get better - that things are downhill from here health-wise. 


Read more about my illness: here.