I'm This Boy's Mother.

He was a little happier today which was definitely a welcome relief. 

Everything is so magnified for him right now; when he's tired he'll lie in my arms, chewing his hand and allow me to baby him. When he's hungry he'll act like he's starving and hasn't had a meal in a week. When he's upset he goes all out; screaming, throwing himself down on the floor and if I'm nearby he might grab my hair or claw my face. And when he's happy? He's really over the top happy; big giggles, big smiles and full of cuddles. 

This time, this toddler-hood, is really tough sometimes. He needs me like a newborn needs the breast and a warm set of arms nearby. He needs me like a new baby needs to be swaddled close. He needs me in the way that he needed me when he was this screeching prehistoric sounding little creature that I didn't know how to soothe or settle. When we have these moments where he needs so much of me - and so much for himself - I now better understand why people say that parenthood is for life. 

I watched a documentary today and the undertone topic on top of the main topic was motherhood and how others interpret their versions of motherhood. The interviewer questioned the mother about one of her very strange choices in mothering her children. When the mother replied that she'd cut them off if they didn't act according to the way she wanted them to live their lives the interviewer simply said the following;

"Motherhood is one of the strongest human instincts possible. How will you shut that off?"

Her reply doesn't matter because when the interviewer said this my mind raced. I had to pause the documentary for a second and think about the heaviness of such a statement; first of all, is that true? Or is it simply not about truth, evidence based truth, and simply about our preconceptions when we think of motherhood. I don't know but I think it's 'true' in my situation. This week has given me much food for thought; a lot of time to reflect better over these past two and a bit years I've had as a mother, I haven't thought this much about my role as a mother and parent ever. I've thought about running away, giving up, shouting, screaming, crying while crumpled into a ball in a corner and everything in between throughout this week because it's been one of the hardest of my life. But I'm here; I'm present and I'm trying so hard to be gentle because the biggest thing I've learned this week is that being kind, being gentle and being the change I want to see in the world (baldy quoting Gandhi, I know) is the only place I know where to start from. 

Running away won't solve anything, so I have to face this head-on. I'm this boy's mother. And sometimes? It sucks when it's so challenging. But, with all that said; this is where I want to be. I want to spend my twenties and thirties nurturing this little man. I want to spend my forties, fifties, sixties (and hopefully beyond) seeing how he grows and the path life takes him down. I want these moments pictured above and I'm willing to take the challenges if that's what it takes.

Cat.

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Roman is always convinced that there are many cats outside in our garden. Every time he's in our room and the blinds are drawn he'll exclaim; ' CAT!'

As the light was dying this afternoon I took him to the back door, opened it and he wanted to venture outside (where there is a good layer of February frost clinging to the pavement and trees) to play. Of course he's pointing out the invisible cat to me here ;).

I wanted to capture a little portrait of the last snatches of his one year old self - although we've only called him our 'one year old' a handful of times, most of the time Bryan likes to go by the months and I get so confused with that so when I'm put on the spot about his age I just reply that he's one. 

I also have dyslexia (we suspect) and I struggle most with my numbers - for example adding the numbers on this project got really hard when we rolled into February because I couldn't just look at the calendar and go by the day on that. I had to go back and check previous entries - and then check again because I forget numbers very easily.

We'll be very busy tomorrow and I have a feeling his picture will not be him on his own so today, while everything was a chaotic sort of calm, I snapped many pictures of what's left of this one year old. 

Vintage Mothercare and a Lesson Learned.

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2pm (or thereabouts): your room/your vintage Mothercare quilt cover/M&Co shirt from granny/Junior J jeans/Old Navy shoes/a Sigma lens - you call it 'toy', but don't treat it like one. You're very careful and gentle with it.

It was the calm before the Skype storm. Fast forward to 6.20pm. We're in the same place, your bedroom, happily on Skype with your gran (my mum) and you are excited to show her the 'Tanta' (Santa) book she bought you. You throw it towards my keyboard - we've told you a million times not to throw things, especially books, but I don't know if you remember or understand - and two keys come off. The 'z' key is broken completely.

I was annoyed. But you're not even 2 years old. You kept apologising over and over; sowwy, sowwy (sorry, sorry.) Kee-kay, kee-kay (cheeky, cheeky.) But it seemed to spark a cheeky fire in you and you were so bold as to take down a book-end and aim it for my computer screen. Luckily, I spotted you this time and we had to end our call on Skype before you did anything else. 

You're not usually so...curious? Destructive? Cheeky? I don't know the behaviour and I am very careful to label it. Of course, I said you were very naughty for doing what you did but I am not sure I have it right. 

I don't hear me or your dad saying 'no' an awful lot, yet you mostly do what we ask and constantly get praise for your ability to be so cheery and content - because 'well behaved' sounds Victorian. I'm constantly self-editing myself because I am so scared of damaging your self worth and self esteem. This doesn't mean I don't try to teach you the right thing to do when you veer off the happy path from time to time and it won't stop me taking away privileges when you're older and understand things a little better...but for now, while you're barely 2 years old, I have a problem with saying 'you're a bad boy' or that you're 'naughty.' And to be truthful, I think I always will.

I said you were naughty today out of my own frustrations and to make sense of why you behaved like that. After all, it seemed like you were doing it to be cheeky but when I think about it now, I think you were over-excited to be in your room, with all your books and toys, and to be on Skype with your granny. All at the same time. That's an awful lot of stimulation for a little toddler. And it does not make you 'bad.' 

I'm going to try so hard to not say 'bad' (and luckily I didn't this time) or call you naughty when you do something like this again. I'm going to give you patience and a little understanding.

It drives me up the wall, at times, but I'm going to have to pace myself with you on this. Just so long as you can forgive any mistakes I make along the way - I'm new to this and I am learning so quickly. I don't always get it right. 

However, if you're still lobbing objects at my things when you're 8, it's going to have to come out of your pocket money ;).

Dreamland.

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Sleep is a funny thing in this household. We (mum and dad) mean to go to bed early every single night and somehow we always bring in the early hours of the morning and have to rise around 9-10am.

You go down to sleep just before 7pm almost every night and if you don't get to bed by then you're like a little zombie, going through the motions of putting your pajamas on and not saying much at all.

On top of your amazing sleeping pattern you often times take a large chunk of the afternoon to sleep. Today was not one of those days and instead we snuggled up in a blanket on the couch, watching old videos of your babyhood and took a bath together in magnolia bubbles. 

At about 4.30pm you went out with dad and he called me up to let me know you'd fallen asleep in the shop. Oh little boy. You are so cheeky. You really wouldn't go down for a nap this afternoon but I guess the sleep finally found you.

I was glad because there is really only a very little window of opportunity to snap you like this. You're a light sleeper (like me) and it's hard to capture you asleep. Add to that the fact you always have your face squished right up to the end of your cot and you're always snuggled in deep under the duvet. 

We had hoped to share a bed with you, but you were having none of that and by 5 months you were sleeping in a separate room - I know that's bad parenting because everyone says not to do that until 6 months but you hated sharing a bed and then hated sharing a room with us. You'd scream and scream till we put you into a cot from the bed and you'd wake up and scream when we crept into the room at night. I can count 1-4 before I can count the number of times you've shared our bed since then.

I hope that if we have another baby that they share your sleeping habits.

Smiles and Bruises.

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You banged your head a few days ago and yesterday cut open your lip (on that horrible fire place, no less) and the bang to the head left behind this massive bump and matching bruise. 

Whenever you cry after falling, I know it really hurts you because you so rarely cry. Even when you opened the double doors in Thurso, went flying down concrete steps and landed head-first in gravel you just laughed. Laughed, when most people would be cursing the steps and maybe even crying (me, because I am a wimp and proud.)

But there are times when falling for you is no laughing matter - and that's when I know you're really hurt. And you will run, arms open, to whoever can grab you first and comfort you. You become extra cuddly and it's a nice reminder of the former baby we once had. Although the little toddler you've become is brilliant, too, you're just not a very cuddly boy. You love to be up, making a mess and causing a little riot - a ball of pure energy right up until bedtime. 

When you smile like this, in these moments, it also reminds me that despite the independence you keep rightfully asserting, and that no matter how messy you make the place, that you're still so small, still little and that in a few years time all the glimpses of your babyhood will be gone. I'm so glad I captured this moment for that very fact.

Mama, TEEF!

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Lunchtime: 2.00pm. I am greeted with Ro pointing at his teeth and saying; "Mama! TEEF!"

They are causing him some grief and in turn this causes me grief. I hate to see him go through any kind of misery and teething is a definite misery at this stage of the game. He began to cry, bite his strap, scream and do everything and anything to cope with his pain. I don't know how to take that away and the point is that I am powerless to do that anyway. 

Pain is a human condition and it is our bodies way of telling us something isn't right. Pain is a part of our day to day lives and I've become all too aware of that over my 26 years of the thing...but I am not used to it. I am not immune. And I still feel it when he does.

Follow: @MamaChaser

Email: carakirk@hotmail.com

Psstt...I was quite cheeky and got a few more photos. I really didn't want to do this day without them. Although, strictly speaking, I won't be including them in my photo book at the end of the year. So if you'd like to see more then do press 'Read More' and enjoy!