Friday, 26 April 2013

Adding Joy.

Whenever I have a spare moment I find myself going through baby photos of Roman. Such as the above. You see I'm panicking about having a baby again because I'm worried about all the things I know about. I could write a book about lack of sleep, that pain after childbirth (you hurt in places you didn't know you had), breastfeeding going wrong, then right, then wrong and then finally settling into a great pattern and suddenly ending before you're ready to give it up and your child self-weans.

On top of the anxiety and panic there are the things I've forgotten; the immense love that comes from seemingly nowhere that makes that pain after childbirth totally worth it. And there are the things I know; lack of sleep exists but eventually, piece by piece, you get your sleep back. But then I tell myself; when will I sleep?! Roman doesn't nap, so I can't 'sleep when the baby sleeps' - a common tip new mothers are told over here. Also as I'm housebound right now (more pregnancy complications) I'm worried about being housebound when the baby comes. When Roman was a baby there were stretches of months when I was in bed - I had forgotten what my living room looked like. When I eventually did get out (when my parents visited) my eyes felt like they were being burned by the sun and my skin felt on fire. I'm scared of being stuck indoors with two children, no sleep and in agony (I was in agony for months after Roman was born.) So yes, I'm excited and I'm looking forward to this but I'm also absolutely terrified whenever I let myself think about it. One baby was extremely hard but to juggle one baby and one toddler is going to really, really stretch me physically. I'm not scared of 'losing' my identity or anything like that I'm just scared of making it through the day to day, on my own. People can help here or there but I need more - and I feel selfish and guilty for feeling that - and I can't get more. We're going to need to have this. I'm going to need to have this down.