O Christmas Tree.

When I asked Ro to pose in front of the tree that we'd spent time decorating and debating on which part of the room it would look best from. Our Christmas tree is one for ants, it's small and it's seen better days but it's part of our traditions and so it stays. 

Every year I've managed to get a picture like this - all three Christmases that I've shared with Roman - but of course none quite like this. I asked him to get into the frame, he obliged but not before removing the top he had on and putting on his rather smart suit jacket.

And for records sake here are the past two Christmases in front of the tree:

(This was taken on the run-up to Roman's first Christmas which was by all accounts very tame as Christmases go.)

 

Last Christmas (2011.) This picture was actually taken on Christmas Day - the top he's wearing here, and that has been heavily featured throughout my 366 Project this year, was a Christmas present from gran and papa.

This Is Joy.

Recently I've found myself slowing down on taking photos, on knowing my camera inside out and just enjoying life as it comes. This is extremely painful to do when your whole life has been spent perfecting everything you do. However these days it takes too much time and energy to keep that going and most of the time it's not worth it.

One day, in the future, I hope to have a freshly made bed that a toddler doesn't climb into or bounce all over but until that day comes I'm going to enjoy the simple pleasures, the little joys he finds in bouncing on the bed and the disbelief that I just let him do it ;). Sometimes it's just about letting go and having fun; his and mine.

Books and Pee Pee.

Using the toilet is a funny life skill. I feel like the whole world and their toddler has grasped this concept meanwhile we're struggling forward with it. Some days he'll run to his room, put on a pair of pants and then happily pee independently without me helping him in any way - this includes him pulling his pants on and off, getting to the potty and then standing up to use it. Then there are days like today.

Today he wanted nothing to do with the toilet or the potty but would loudly proclaim in the middle of us doing something (playing, putting away clothes and the like - always doing it together and nothing heavy so that we could drop everything and run to the bathroom if need be) that he needed to use the toilet for a pee pee. "Quick!" he'd tell me. "I need use toilet, I need to pee pee toilet!" so we'd run through to the bathroom and as soon as he began to climb the red stool he'd tell me he didn't need. Then he'd use the toilet, so long as he had a book, so I collected Peepo from his bedroom and he still didn't want to use the toilet. 

When he wanted to take his book through to another room I told him it was just for the toilet, just for when he needed a pee. Heeding my rules he set it up on the stool, in the bathroom, and read from it there ;).

I keep telling myself through every wet pair of trousers and the many wet pairs of pants that I've washed that we'll 'get there' with the toilet usage...but sometimes I want to cry at how hard this whole thing is in comparison to everything else he's learned. I sometimes think to myself 'tomorrow will be different' and it gets worse or sometimes it's easier but it's never consistent. I don't use shame, fear, anger or discipline when it comes to toilet using and this makes it easier for me and for him, I'm sure of that. If he wets himself I simply say 'let's take you out of these wet clothes!' and once he's stripped? He runs to his room, for another pair of underpants. He's eager, he's showing that he's 'ready' according to all of the books but sometimes it's so much over whelming hard work that I want to hit fast forward three years and pass this phase. I know we'll 'get there' but the space in between now and getting there is tough and oh so draining. 

Kiss.

My comment to Bryan on this photo: "It's nice, but I can't edit the brightness in it so I don't think I'll share it." He then encouraged me to share as is and I looked at him like he didn't know me at all - you know the perfectionist crazy person that I am and then I thought to myself; shut up, listen to your husband and share it. 

I'm glad I'm sharing it. It's one of the nicest moments I've witnessed in my life. Roman is at this great (but sometimes terrible) age where he has these moments of pure love for us both. Kisses, cuddles and sweet muffled 'I wuv ooo's' are shared from time to time, sometimes randomly and always well received. And so I'd like to document these moments, these times where it seems the world is on pause and he reaches in for a kiss or a cuddle. I'd also like to share it for Roman's sake, for the times in the future where he feels unloved or unwanted. You are very much loved, very much wanted and very much thought about. If you ever doubt the love your dad has for you; it's right here for you to see in this moment and this photograph. Don't forget it.

Freedom.

While we're out shopping Roman is very considerate of the things around him; he takes things off the shelves with great care (unless I'm not looking for 5 seconds!) and when I tell him to 'put it back to bed' aka back on the shelf he'll do so happily and with great concentration. He loves to be free of the buggy straps and I've noticed there has been a huge shift from this time last year to the present day. One of those tidal changes has been the use of the buggy...basically Roman is escaping out of it more than ever and also getting back into it without any upset (versus last year when once he was free there was a massive frustration and upset about why he had to climb back in once he was out.) 

The buggy is one parenting 'thing' I have no clue about. I have no memories of when I stopped using a buggy as a child, nor can I really use parents around me as a bench mark as none of the parents I know are car-free! I think car-free families go longer with their buggies, but again; I have no idea. By the same token any children I have worked with have been of a clear buggy age (2 or under) or of a school age, way past the buggy phase...so I have no idea when we should stop using our buggy. My answer, in my head, goes like this: Never, let's never stop using it and I'm reminded that I sound like I'm growing dependent on it ;)...but I don't care. Viva la buggy. Or at least until he's 4. 2013 will not be the year of being buggy and car free - the two seem incompatible at this stage.

Hats On.

These pair have a set of (almost) matching hats. Roman's hat is far snazzier, of course, because he's two and that's allowed ;). We were almost out of the door tonight, to go to a church class, when I snapped a few photos for my 366 Project...oh the times I almost forget to take a photo! I'm so glad I got this snap shot of time - where Roman is this small and Bryan towers over him. I'm so sure that give or take a few years down the line that Roman will definitely catch up with Bryan on the height ;).

Photographers.

Saturday is a special day. It's the day I get to sleep in a lot and be on my own a lot, too. I love Roman, don't get me wrong, but I need time to think my own thoughts as well. I don't have my side of the family close by, I don't have someone I can go to and ask for quick advice and I don't really have any friends here. It's hard when you spend a majority of your week with a two year old who wakes early and protests to a lot of the things you want to do (you know like use the toilet and how dare I take a shower without consulting him first.)

I'm by no means complaining - I chose this life, I agreed to live where I do, I chose to have a child and well he's actually really brilliant but it's still hard. I miss life when it was easier to do things but I can't imagine a Saturday morning without little elbows jagging into the most tender parts of my body (okay...maybe I can and maybe it was wonderful) or a little boy who is so keen and eager to learn everything he sees. A little boy who loves to play a game of photographers with me ;). 

If I had chosen never to have children I wouldn't know the extreme loneliness that comes with parenting at times but I also wouldn't have known the exquisite joy and cuteness that makes up the other bits of the parenting equation. I wouldn't have known Roman, I wouldn't have known what he's capable of doing and making me feel not just as a parent, but towards others and myself.