He Looks After Me.

A self-made beard ;).

I've been feeling very 'blah' lately. A few weeks ago my gums started to swell around one of my wisdom teeth, waking me up in the middle of the night with strange flu symptoms. I've still had to get on with life, as you do, and it's been tough on both me and Roman. One morning I put on a Christmas movie, on our iPad in bed and I woke up to Roman accessing my Facebook page - thankfully he doesn't write because that would be an interesting status update, wouldn't it? 'My mum puts me in front of movies so she can sleep in' ;). All he was doing was scrolling through photos, looking for babies to clap eyes on no less (this boy is baby crazy, it's a little bit funny.)

From Friday-Sunday Bryan is off. Today was Sunday, the first day during that time period of Bryan being off that I began to feel like 'me' again. Roman was all over me like a little limpet, not desperate to leave my side and offering me food and drinks whenever he could. I never believed a child could be so sweet and thoughtful, but he really is. In this moment where I felt over whelmed and very connected to our first born I asked Bryan to take a photo. This is a special moment for me and although it doesn't look special this is it. This is life. These are our mummy moments, our cuddle moments, the moments we need to capture and have imprinted somewhere special on our brains so we can conjure up these images when we feel we can't cope or go on with this motherhood thing. Us and our children, together.

Almost Forgotten.

It was a busy and tiring day all round. Roman went off to his grandparents and I forced myself to not be in pyjamas and went out with Bryan. It was strange to be without a buggy to get on and off a train and once we got to Stirling it wasn't as busy as I'd imagined it would be :).

When we got home we went out again to get more stocking fillers - Bryan was mostly buying for me - and so there was hardly any time to sit let alone take photos. When we got home I collapsed on to the sofa and suddenly at 11 o'clock I remembered I hadn't snapped a photo.

"I've forgotten to take a photo!" I announced to Bryan, very sad that I wouldn't get one.

"Just go in to his room and take one, then."

Knowing he would definitely wake up I didn't want to do this. "What if he wakes up?"

"Then he does, you can't not take a photo."

So with Bryan's support I walked into our sons room, camera in hand, and got a few shots without even disturbing him or putting the light on. I've always been a little sad since Roman was a baby that I can't get these sleepy face photos, with him being such a light sleeper, he would always wake up at the slightest of sounds. Lately it's been all change for Roman's sleeping habits; we've been able to enjoy sneaking into his room at night or during a nap and catch our own little snore show :). 

Daddy Day.

Today I struggled to keep my eyes opened and my stomach wouldn't stop churning - I felt averse to food and felt like I couldn't face the Stirling crowds. I really wanted to go along with Bryan and Roman today as 1. it was Bryan's day off and 2. I'd been telling myself all week I'd go and buy a few stocking fillers. However it was clear I was only fit for travelling back and forth from the living room to the toilet so I had to stay at home.

On their travels they went to Santa's Grotto, something I wanted to comment on. We don't 'do' Santa in this home; our presents are to each other, I don't use a fat jolly guy for leverage for good behaviour but Roman is crazy about the idea of Santa. I suppose it's like Disney; you watch the films, you believe the magic of it but you know the difference between Disney and reality. And it's 'okay' to visit Disney World. Either way...that's how I approach Santa. I don't indulge the idea but nor do I thwart it away if Roman gets joy from the idea of Santa - albeit a different idea than most children have/grow up with.

He was quite overjoyed with his wooden ducks and then they broke within minutes. Still, he wanted to play with them and kept asking me for glue so he could fix them ;). Also you may notice the pile of 'folded' clothes beside the ducks - all Roman's work.

Funny Faces.

In contrast to yesterday's photo I present to you this funny little face :). Because our bathroom light remains to be fixed (we've been busy, I've been too short and too sick to fix it myself) Roman has a bath in the mornings, instead of at night. Right after his bath he begged for his dressing gown, several cereal bars and then to 'cheese' (bringing me my camera so he could pose for me) for me. My funny little boy ;).

Changes.

Today Bryan came home from college saying he was sick and needed to lie down. When Roman woke up from his nap (very late) we descended upon Bryan, not realising he was very ill and it wasn't just a sniffle. Roman wanted to constantly pose with his hands under his chin, propped up on Bryan's knees loudly shouting to me; "LOVE YOU MAMA!" it was very sweet but I think not at all appreciated by Bryan who was having his stomach palpitated by toddler legs. 

"Roman," I said to him gently. "That hurts dad when you do that."

"But want to do 'love you mama'," he told me, with the saddest eyes. He quickly broke down in tears and asked me to pick him up to give him cuddles. And that's the change of this year; more affection for me, I'm the one he wants when he hurts himself or when he's upset, more time is spent with this boy in my arms and more time is spent vocally expressing how we feel about one another. Sorry Bryan that you get kicked in the stomach into the bargain.

His Bed, His Space.

I love that Roman has a bed. And I think he feels the same.

After the missionaries and Bryan had left - leaving me and Ro with full bellies and a kitchen sink full of mess ;) - it was time to play with my two year old. He bounced on the bed, pretending to nurse his soft toys and then he settled down on his front like this to read his nursery rhyme book to me.

"OH! CAT! Oh, hello," he said, following his own plot and not looking once for my approval, very lost in his own world. I love his company, the time we spend together and I can't believe how difficult the first few months of his life were for me - adjusting, early morning bed times for us both, pain, pain, pain and tiredness beyond anything I've ever felt but knowing I had to function as someone's mother in a few hours. I can barely believe we moved into this home when he was seventeen months old; still at the breast, all of his teeth not yet in his mouth and footsteps still to walk. What happened to time? Where the heck did it go? 

Gloves.

The living room was turned upside down all weekend as we'd been sorting through papers and junk on Saturday (plus cleaning mould, but that's a different story) and today was the first day that Roman could roam free. I think this made him a little bit crazy as he pulled off his socks and told me, very proudly; "THESE MA GLOVES!"

Life. Long Hair. Crisps For Dinner.

At the start of this year I was determined to be a healthier person and I think I've come close to getting there when I think of the opposition this year has also thrown at me. I've battled with countless inner wars about the way I look, the way I speak, things I do (or do not do) and just generally fitting into too many moulds that made me unhappy. 

So what does 'healthier' mean, exactly? Does it mean allowing your child to eat prawn cocktail crisps as part of a meal? Um well sometimes it happens. I think healthier means 'letting go.' Letting go of ideas of what perfect means and letting go of bad thoughts, habits and patterns of thinking. This includes being negative about my body around my child. I'm selective about the kind of language I use around him. He's a child, he doesn't see 'ugly', he doesn't see 'tired', he doesn't see 'fat thighs, bum, hips...' and so on. He only sees what we teach him to see right now. 

There are particular sore points of my body I'm sensitive on but since having my child I've lost (and am losing) my hang ups. Why? Because his future is more important than my present choices - if I think one part of me is bigger than it should be, why wouldn't I do something about it? Yes I'm still sensitive to remarks and comments that revolve around my body, any woman's body, because the way the world is set up to view women's bodies is ridiculous and I don't want a part in being a negative voice to back all of this nonsense up...but I'm less hung up on it. The comments don't hurt so much because I see they are mostly untrue, unfounded, unwelcome and quite frankly; so what? If I'm happy with the progress I've made and I'm making, that's all that matters.

With all of this in mind I asked Bryan to take our photo - a photo to cherish and remember, a photo that will be printed and put into a photo book of memories and no doubt viewed by a lot of people. A photo that I hope, in time, will be one I look fondly back on and treasure for the time we spent together, for the love we felt for each other and for the two people in the photo who don't judge each one another on how they look. A photo, the first of many I hope, that I didn't judge myself on.

Blue Cup.

I'm hoping this 'tub shot' is tasteful enough to share as a memory - I'm really wary of trampling all over Roman's privacy as both the child he is now and the adult he'll become. It's a fine line I walk more and more every day as he grows. 

His life is full of independence; he likes to soap up his own hair and occasionally dumps water on it to. He dresses himself all the time, picks his clothes, puts together some really classy outfits and generally is leaps and bounds ahead of being more in control of his own life. I love him, I love watching this little person form and develop. 

Dad Love.

Wednesdays are my favourite days of our week. Bryan is around in the evening and while he's here on Monday and Friday evenings, too, sometimes Friday or Monday feel really far away when you hit the mid-week point. Well lately we've both been feeling very run down, sick and tired so this Wednesday evening was a moment to just be together - and yes a moment shared with that favourite jacket of yours.

You literally hero worship your dad, it's sweet. When he comes in the door you run to him, a never ending stream of tales about your busy day following behind you. Over this past year the relationship has changed. In the morning you'll sometimes ask for dad or cry tears/scream about being 'left behind' but the majority of the time you're okay with the arrangement of him leaving without you. You've come to grow in emotional ways I didn't think possible; you'll tell us to stop shouting, to give you kisses better and generally I feel awed at the little man you're becoming but then I see this photo and I'm reminded of where you learn these lessons; in this home, with us as your parents and I just hope we get it more right than wrong ;).

SNOW!

Last night it started to snow.

My heart filled with both dread and excitement; dread because I had no idea how I'd get the buggy out in snow and excitement because it's snow! It's fun! And the last time we had snow Roman was a 10 month old baby.

"SNOWMAN!" he said immediately once I told him about the snow. "The snowman has a carrot nose!" 

After his morning bath he was very excited to get outside, so excited that he skipped breakfast, got dressed and begged to go outside. I wrapped Bryan's scarf around Roman for extra warmth and we headed out. At first he was very wary of all the snow, looking at me, he said, "Mum, come out! Come over!" I joined him and together we attempted to make a snowman.

"Once there was a snowman, snowman, tall, tall, tall! Sun he melted, melted, melted, small, small, small!" Roman began to sing as I told him about me making a snowman with the very powdery snow. Well there just wasn't enough snow to make a snowman, not even a mini one, and as I said the snow was too powdery. I was worried Roman would become frustrated by this so I got him to roll our little snow ball and he understood the problem. "Want reindeer chocolate!" he told me, running for the open door, straight into the living room and making a beeline for our advent calendar.

Tired.

Every year since I can remember Roman goes into 'hibernation' mode. 

Our first winter as newly weds was spent under many blankets and always dressed up; we didn't put our heating on and it was only when guests appeared that we'd switch it on. It was amazing because our heating and electricity bills would come out ridiculously low - one month it was 58p for electricity! But that soon changed when Roman was born in the February and we had to heat our place for a newborn. 

The winter of 2010 I got into the habit of layering Ro up in his cot, putting several blankets over him in bed that he could easily kick off (and he was old enough to kick them off) and I've always believed this has led to him having a lie in. Of course that first winter with him, in 2010, was paved with early wakenings and sometimes I'd be entertaining him until 4-5am but there was also a chunk of time where he would sleep through to 9-10am.

Then last year. There was one day where he woke at noon, after going to bed at 7pm! It was truly wonderful and so refreshing. Lately he's taken to this again; going to bed at 7pm and waking between 11am-12pm. As my sleeping pattern is all messed up it's truly wonderful but there is one downside and that is that I feel the days slipping away in a fuzzy mess...albeit it a rested fuzzy mess ;). 

This afternoon, after church and a very extended nap, he was still tired and kept asking to go to bed and be with Aleksandr. In this photo he was asking me over and over to go to bed. Oh my sleepy, tired little boy. 

Advent.

It's December 1st!

This means in 24 sleeps it will be Christmas and I honestly believe I'm more excited about this than Roman is. Though I will say he was pretty excited with the idea of chocolate coming out behind a magic door ;). This is the first year we've done an advent calendar because I didn't want to over do chocolate at a time of year where sugar laden stuff is rife. And it's also been difficult to find a dairy free version that was a decent price.

Instead of buying an over priced one I decided to 'veganise' this Peppa Pig calendar for Roman. Perhaps next year I will finally get round to making a felt version full of different treats - and not all that are sugary or edible - but this year I decided Roman would have a calendar and that we'd treat ourselves to one, too (that I managed to get at Holland and Barret.) 

We opened ours at midnight and Roman opened his this morning :). He was very excited to do this and it made me smile from ear to ear. I'm so glad I get to share in his childhood joy and I really hope this year that he can store some good Christmas memories - not all just about material things but about what the 'spirit' of Christmas is really about.

This Is Joy.

Recently I've found myself slowing down on taking photos, on knowing my camera inside out and just enjoying life as it comes. This is extremely painful to do when your whole life has been spent perfecting everything you do. However these days it takes too much time and energy to keep that going and most of the time it's not worth it.

One day, in the future, I hope to have a freshly made bed that a toddler doesn't climb into or bounce all over but until that day comes I'm going to enjoy the simple pleasures, the little joys he finds in bouncing on the bed and the disbelief that I just let him do it ;). Sometimes it's just about letting go and having fun; his and mine.

Books and Pee Pee.

Using the toilet is a funny life skill. I feel like the whole world and their toddler has grasped this concept meanwhile we're struggling forward with it. Some days he'll run to his room, put on a pair of pants and then happily pee independently without me helping him in any way - this includes him pulling his pants on and off, getting to the potty and then standing up to use it. Then there are days like today.

Today he wanted nothing to do with the toilet or the potty but would loudly proclaim in the middle of us doing something (playing, putting away clothes and the like - always doing it together and nothing heavy so that we could drop everything and run to the bathroom if need be) that he needed to use the toilet for a pee pee. "Quick!" he'd tell me. "I need use toilet, I need to pee pee toilet!" so we'd run through to the bathroom and as soon as he began to climb the red stool he'd tell me he didn't need. Then he'd use the toilet, so long as he had a book, so I collected Peepo from his bedroom and he still didn't want to use the toilet. 

When he wanted to take his book through to another room I told him it was just for the toilet, just for when he needed a pee. Heeding my rules he set it up on the stool, in the bathroom, and read from it there ;).

I keep telling myself through every wet pair of trousers and the many wet pairs of pants that I've washed that we'll 'get there' with the toilet usage...but sometimes I want to cry at how hard this whole thing is in comparison to everything else he's learned. I sometimes think to myself 'tomorrow will be different' and it gets worse or sometimes it's easier but it's never consistent. I don't use shame, fear, anger or discipline when it comes to toilet using and this makes it easier for me and for him, I'm sure of that. If he wets himself I simply say 'let's take you out of these wet clothes!' and once he's stripped? He runs to his room, for another pair of underpants. He's eager, he's showing that he's 'ready' according to all of the books but sometimes it's so much over whelming hard work that I want to hit fast forward three years and pass this phase. I know we'll 'get there' but the space in between now and getting there is tough and oh so draining. 

Kiss.

My comment to Bryan on this photo: "It's nice, but I can't edit the brightness in it so I don't think I'll share it." He then encouraged me to share as is and I looked at him like he didn't know me at all - you know the perfectionist crazy person that I am and then I thought to myself; shut up, listen to your husband and share it. 

I'm glad I'm sharing it. It's one of the nicest moments I've witnessed in my life. Roman is at this great (but sometimes terrible) age where he has these moments of pure love for us both. Kisses, cuddles and sweet muffled 'I wuv ooo's' are shared from time to time, sometimes randomly and always well received. And so I'd like to document these moments, these times where it seems the world is on pause and he reaches in for a kiss or a cuddle. I'd also like to share it for Roman's sake, for the times in the future where he feels unloved or unwanted. You are very much loved, very much wanted and very much thought about. If you ever doubt the love your dad has for you; it's right here for you to see in this moment and this photograph. Don't forget it.

Freedom.

While we're out shopping Roman is very considerate of the things around him; he takes things off the shelves with great care (unless I'm not looking for 5 seconds!) and when I tell him to 'put it back to bed' aka back on the shelf he'll do so happily and with great concentration. He loves to be free of the buggy straps and I've noticed there has been a huge shift from this time last year to the present day. One of those tidal changes has been the use of the buggy...basically Roman is escaping out of it more than ever and also getting back into it without any upset (versus last year when once he was free there was a massive frustration and upset about why he had to climb back in once he was out.) 

The buggy is one parenting 'thing' I have no clue about. I have no memories of when I stopped using a buggy as a child, nor can I really use parents around me as a bench mark as none of the parents I know are car-free! I think car-free families go longer with their buggies, but again; I have no idea. By the same token any children I have worked with have been of a clear buggy age (2 or under) or of a school age, way past the buggy phase...so I have no idea when we should stop using our buggy. My answer, in my head, goes like this: Never, let's never stop using it and I'm reminded that I sound like I'm growing dependent on it ;)...but I don't care. Viva la buggy. Or at least until he's 4. 2013 will not be the year of being buggy and car free - the two seem incompatible at this stage.

Photographers.

Saturday is a special day. It's the day I get to sleep in a lot and be on my own a lot, too. I love Roman, don't get me wrong, but I need time to think my own thoughts as well. I don't have my side of the family close by, I don't have someone I can go to and ask for quick advice and I don't really have any friends here. It's hard when you spend a majority of your week with a two year old who wakes early and protests to a lot of the things you want to do (you know like use the toilet and how dare I take a shower without consulting him first.)

I'm by no means complaining - I chose this life, I agreed to live where I do, I chose to have a child and well he's actually really brilliant but it's still hard. I miss life when it was easier to do things but I can't imagine a Saturday morning without little elbows jagging into the most tender parts of my body (okay...maybe I can and maybe it was wonderful) or a little boy who is so keen and eager to learn everything he sees. A little boy who loves to play a game of photographers with me ;). 

If I had chosen never to have children I wouldn't know the extreme loneliness that comes with parenting at times but I also wouldn't have known the exquisite joy and cuteness that makes up the other bits of the parenting equation. I wouldn't have known Roman, I wouldn't have known what he's capable of doing and making me feel not just as a parent, but towards others and myself.

Learning At Home.

Maybe it's a little twee of me to say so (even though I've thought this one thoroughly through) but we decided a very long time ago that we'd home school our children. I can still remember questioning Bryan on this, to gauge his response first.

Me to Bryan: "What do you think of home schooling?"

Bryan: "I knew someone who was home schooled and they were a bit strange. If you were going to do it, you'd need to socialise A LOT."

Since then we've discovered a lot more about learning at home/home schooling. We've discovered children who are currently being home schooled, adults who were home schooled and parents who home school/ed. I've also discovered I don't want to do anything other than that, where it's possible. But sometimes I wonder if it's really what I want to sign up for, you know? It's a huge responsibility and while I have the education, intelligence, experience and common sense to back up my choice the responsibility of home schooling my child terrifies me from time to time.

If we were doing what a majority of people do in this area then Roman would be enrolled in nursery right now. I'm not confident of the nurseries in this area so he hasn't been enrolled. It's not mandatory and it's not even expected, it's just what people 'do.' I myself wasn't nursery educated, I went straight to school from home and I feel no negativity from that experience whatsoever. I know I'm me and that I can't simply justify my choices for Roman through my own life experiences but I'd rather have him here, playing and learning, than send him to a nursery with a sub-standard record. I've had various work experiences from nurseries and I can say one thing: what they do at home is no different to what they do in nursery - or rather the tasks I did with the nursery children is really no different to the activities I'm doing with Ro. The only difference seems to be numbers; more children, more adults, more social interaction. Not all of that is good or positive interaction but who wants their child to grow up in a bubble, right?

Well I spend a great deal of time researching various groups we can attend that will provide that social stimulus for Roman and now he's at an age where he can form friendships and have other children around for play times I feel it's important to be out there, making connections socially - for both of us.  

Today, however, was spent learning various letters and more specifically; the spelling of Roman's name. I tried in vain to get him to copy my r's (I even did a join-the-dots 'r' for him) but he wasn't interested and instead scribbled all over my writing ;). He had a lot more fun - and less frustrations - with the name train my mum bought him when he was a few months old. 

"Arrr," I'd say to him. "Arrrr!" he'd repeat back and so on until I could point at an individual letter and he'd tell me what it was. "And what does that spell?" I'd ask once he'd completed telling me each letter. "ROMAN! ATT'S MA NAME!" he squealed in delight then picked up the 'a' and told me, very happily, "Att's a 'eh'!" Now I know...some kids learn their alphabets before they hit 2 but Roman's strong points seem to be in numbers. He loves telling me the volume of things and he loves to count. We go through numbers every single day and I'm finding that it's improving my cloudy brain - numbers? Not my favourite. I deal better with words.  

Roman loves books, he loves learning about dinosaurs, meerkats, panda bears, he loves visual lessons where he can be very involved and included and he loves to help in everything we do. Today I realised I can let go of my huge fear of educating my child from our home because although it won't be easy and I'm sure I'll get stuff wrong I'm really looking forward to learning, changing and growing by his side. I'm excited.

The Day He Wore This To Bed..

Roman has been frequently dressing himself with great success. But sometimes he'll make these clothes faux pas ;).

Also he's really loving 'Cars' (as in the Disney film) a lot right now. He's only watched the second film once but ever since then he's been hooked on Lighting McQueen - just like my little (or not so little any more) nephew who lives in the States. 

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As a side note: I've been indulging him in this one, even though these pictured above PJs are old and from last year, but I don't plan on buying into the Disney franchise if I can help it. Not for any reason other than they over price their low quality items and I'd rather spend my money on something better for Roman but he's had his eye on this Lighting McQueen cushion and I'm not sure whether or not to buy it for a Christmas/birthday present.

I know Disney loving is a phase for a majority of children and for me that's totally fine but I've noticed that I can spend the amount I would on Disney items for something that will 1. look better and 2. wear well with time. These above PJs haven't really lasted well when I compare them with other PJs he's had for the same time and a lot of the Disney toys look cheap and tacky to me - or is that the point? I don't know these days!