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I want to be careful about the things I document - I don't want to be overly negative or critical and I have a feeling I gave myself a hard time the first time round - and so I've really tried to avoid talking about the different emotions Roman goes through.
Which, if I can say freely, is frankly ridiculous. Emotions, whether for better or worse, are part of everyone's life; from birth until death. We're born naked and crying, possibly two of the most vulnerable states we can be in and constantly our parents look for solutions to soothe our tears, to reduce our fears and find creative and healthy ways we can express those emotions.
Let me just say that sometimes that's really hard to do for a two year old. Sometimes I want to be the one throwing myself on the ground, kicking and screaming. Sometimes I want an outlet for my own emotions. But in and through Roman, I think I've found my outlet. I think I understand my parents better and I definitely believe I understand why they did what they did as parents - they made mistakes, there's no getting round that, but you know what? They did really well, too. And I hope Roman can say the same about me one day.
I just want to love him unconditionally.
And sometimes it can be challenging to navigate the waters of his emotions at times. The above photo is right after a crying phase that might have stemmed from a missed nap and me saying that Roman couldn't choke himself with a hair clip - I know, worst mother ever ;).
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And on a somewhat unrelated note: I really want to improve my photography. I just want to learn so much so I can do that. I've applied a few times to study photography, even last year, but it's just never felt 'right.'
I think it's great if people can get to classes all the time, write essays, keep up with assignments and generally do the whole formal education thing. But self-teaching is just that formality put into an informal way of learning something. All knowledge is passed down and learned in different forms. I have to self-teach because I can't get to classes, can't keep up with essays or assignments and generally speaking I can't keep up with the pace of education as my energy levels are in short supply.
Sometimes I feel like giving up completely because I don't feel 'good enough.' I compare too much. I want to spend so much money but I know it won't bring me closer to feeling anymore fulfilled or knowledgeable. I know that the misery I sometimes feel about my photos is that part of me that keeps holding onto the cliff-side of this passion I have, it's what drives me to do better and be better. And in spite of not feeling like I measure up, I still continue to take photos.
I'm trying. Even if I'm not the worlds best - or most original - photographer. I'm still new to this, I'm still learning and I don't know everything. No one does, really, we just feel like they do at times and the pros I admire? They look up to people, too. They have days where all they want to do is hide under a duvet and not come out. Or at least I keep telling myself this so I can keep going, because I know better times are ahead of me.
Thank you for sharing my life with me. Whoever reads this, whoever comments - thank you. And to those who admire what I do - what an honour and thank you, too.
