"No more Binky." This is what I thought months ago. And anyway, it wasn't like Roman really took to it in the first place. He'd never hold it in and then there came a point where he'd SCREAM his head off if you even thought of putting it near him.
However, the other night when he was screaming for an hour non stop I resulted in trying the binky. This came about because I gave him some Calpol and he started chewing on the spoon.
So the binky is back (much to my dismay) but on a plus note: he is only using it as a chew toy. So I can justify that this isn't going to mess up his teeth, after all he's just chewing on it.
I feel since I've become a mother that there is a lot I wasn't expecting to feel. In my mind I pictured myself finding it very easy to leave him crying, have other people babysit him and generally take over from my role from time to time. Yet as time goes on I find it harder to watch him cry, miss him terribly when he's not near and find it hard for anyone to step into my shoes for five minutes without feeling like everyone is watching me, waiting to call me lazy, improper, crap etc you name it.
I know it's very easy to say "it doesn't matter what other people think" but I'm fast learning that sometimes people can hold onto memories for years. And I guess I don't want to be remembered as a rubbish Mum. Who does, though? It's not exactly something you want to have on your grave stone, is it?
I mean I know there are obvious mistakes people make and I'm trying not to make those mistakes and they're easy not to do because they're obvious...but then there are the subtle mistakes that can be made. One missed bath can turn into two (this actually happened once. He was stinky. And look at me, not even trying to justify why he missed baths.) Or leaving them "five more minutes to sleep" can turn into fifteen more minutes and suddenly they're not able to sleep at night (I'm glad to say this has never happened, but I was tempted).
There are just so many possible outcomes, you can never cover all ground to stop all the bad ones from getting in. To do so would require eternities of practise. And many millions of babies to practise on. So while we're on Baby Number One I just want to add that I'm actually quite proud of myself and Bryan. We're doing good. I heard all kinds of horror stories about what babies do to relationships and I have to report that all this Baby has done is make things a million times stronger. Proof to me already that we're in a stable relationship. We might not own a car (but we do own the car seat), we might not own a house (really though, who does in their early 20s these days?) and we might not earn over 30k a year (again, the early 20s thing) but we have a relationship in which we can produce stable children. And that's a force to be reckoned with, I think.
On Bryan's fathering: I admire it. When he reads a book, he reads it the way I learned to read books to children. I often have to ask myself, where has he learned this stuff? It has all seemed to come so naturally for him. I am so glad he is so well adjusted to this because I know I couldn't cope with a man who wasn't dealing with this "baby stuff" and needed to constantly disappear in order to "deal" with it. I get people need their own time by themselves sometimes and go to their cave but Bryan doesn't seem to feel the need to abandon his responsibilities with his son. He's there for him. And this husband of mine who had never changed a nappy ever before Roman actually is better at it than me - and nine times out of ten changes him.
It is incredible to watch such a strong bond be forged right in front of my very eyes and in every way reminds me of my own childhood - full of love.