366 Project: Let me count the ways...

After much thought and consideration, I am taking on a 366 (it's a leap year!) Project that will start in January, 2012.


Why?


1. Since completing my original 365 I feel I have a lot of 'lost' days - days where I forget what we did (is it important? Um, well sometimes it is) and I feel kind of sad for that fact. I also love the idea of having photo memories of a whole year.


2. I'm committing to really losing a lot of weight this year. I ducked out a lot of 365 photos because I didn't feel 100% okay with my body shape...not only that but I am doing that with a majority of photos to this day, hopefully this won't be the case with a 366 Project. I also feel if I commit to a photo project that it will keep me on track with my weight loss and getting fit routine. I'm not self conscious about my shape, it's just not the best it can be and I am not proud of that fact. It's strange, though, because I am the most comfortable and happy I've ever been.


3. It's a leap year. I vowed to not do another 365 project of this scale until I had another child. Well, seeing as we have that extra day - why not go for it? After all, it's not strictly speaking a '365' ;).


4. Encouragement. I'd thought privately about doing another photo project (and tried and failed at doing many mini projects) and then Georgia, over at Gregarious Peach, wrote a post about starting up another photo project - this time with 366 photos! Seeing as she was the inspiration behind my previous 365, I decided 'why not?'. If I fall on my face with this, I do, I can only try.


5. I had completed my other photo project with a lot of mobile phone pictures - they don't do too well in a photo book as the photo book needs the best and biggest image you have in order that you get the best quality. These were the days before my DSLR, the early days, the days I don't even remember now - life without lenses?! No way! I have a better quality of camera these days and ditched my kit lens for an upgrade. With all this in mind I will be able to produce work that is technically 'good enough' for a photo book.


I am a huge perfectionist. It wasn't easy to complete my project, but it was worth the effort. It gave me a new perspective and taught me to chill the hell out. I broke down in tears and madness a few times, but that was because I was comparing myself constantly to Georgia and many others who were doing the same project. 


The difference is that is their view of the World and it's not mine, it's how they see things and I don't see it that way. No two people do. I got so worked up about things that I wanted to spend over £1,000 on a camera alone this year and that's crazy talk - 1. we cannot afford or justify that spend and 2. a camera is an investment, sure, but £1,000 is just too much of an investment. So I upgraded my lens and with a new lens coming in a few days, I am pleased.


I need to learn humility it seems.


All that aside, I am excited. I've already started eating very well and I am excited to start a new chapter in documenting my son's 3rd year of life, as well as a 2nd birthday and 3rd wedding anniversary! Life goes by so quickly and I want to store as many memories as I can.


I hope this post might inspire a few others to join in. You don't need any fancy equipment or software - half the time I took pictures on my phone! - and it's about snapping what you want to cherish. 


Follow: @MamaChaser 
Email: carakirk@hotmail.com

Pondering the potty (training)

Today I woke up with something on my mind: pants and potty training. 


It's been on my mind for an unusually long time because I know we're drawing nearer and nearer to the time that is completely nappy-free. Waking thoughts seemed to be consumed with what colour/theme of pants to buy and what size. 18-24 months or 2-3 years?


Then I began to think about the hits and misses we've had so far. The misses are memorable because they don't happen often and the hits are memorable because...well we've been lazy. We haven't been using the potty an awful lot lately. And Roman doesn't really like the big seat on our loo.

Things seemed easier earlier on in the game, at 7 months, when we had that first pee in the potty. He wouldn't put his hands up and exclaim 'Ma, Ma, Ma!' over and over. He would just go. And sometimes he wouldn't. But either way it was simple then.


Now he is more independent, assertive 


...and can run like a bat out of hell. 

Adventures.

 I'm off on an adventure to the Highlands of Scotland today. Wish me luck as we pack for all kinds of weather that might happen; rain, sun and wind. 


I'm off to look after my parents cats and dog; Shadow. I'm sure I'll inundate you with pictures and Highland tales on my return...I'll just have to get through all the washing first.


This was last night's task: the packing. 

What's in the suitcase? It's his stuff. Not too much, not too little and just enough to cover almost any season. Scotland is like that. Temperamental with it's seasons.

I was going to try and fit everything into this bag, my hospital bag. But I was fooling myself big time.

Wish me luck. We're about to do a 6 hour journey with an almost 20 month old. Hope we end up with passengers similar to ones we got last time; by all accounts I think they were grandparents and they spoiled Roman for two hours with their time and funny faces. 

Which was a welcome change to the dirty faces many other passengers pulled when we dared bring a buggy onto public transport. Roman wasn't even making any noise and that's why they call it public transport. I don't always want to travel with smelly rude people but I don't have the luxury of choice if I travel on a train. 


So please, fellow passengers, who're giving me death glares, please keep the assumptions to a minimum. I'm not going to let my child needlessly scream, squeal and if he cries I will try to do all I can to soothe and comfort him. It's not always possible. I, too, get my head done in by the screams of children. It's not as though motherhood has somehow prepared me any better for them. 

Growing and growing. And growing.

Parenting: going by in a blur. 

I don't know where 18, nearly 19, months have gone. I would have 10 children if they could all be like this. But that's not reality. The reality is that everything is a gamble and that having babies is a gamble. 


For me that gamble is knowing I could make myself more sick, perhaps totally crippled and totally confined to bed/my house forever more. That's a daunting and scary thought. As it stands I will never be that mother who pushes her child in a swing at the park. Meanwhile life moves on for others and Roman gets bigger - and smarter - by the minute.


He is figuring out this World around him without my help, aided completely by his curiosity and helped by my inability to move fast and keep up with every leap, bound and stride he takes.

The mimicking has reached a new height. He copes e v e r y t h i n g I do. He wants to be in my business constantly. And has no regard for doing it to my standards - he just wants to learn, he just wants to be part of all the excitement and be wherever there is something going on.

When my Mum told me that I shouldn't be so quick to have him walking, she was spot on. But of course, as children do, I didn't take it seriously. I was in a flap about him not walking so much that I got over excited when he did start walking...and now...well now I find myself trying to claw back the babyhood a little. Stay a little bit tiny, for now, stay in my arms and on my lap. But he is too quick, too fast and already has me beat on physical strength. 

On top of this, he is asserting his independence on a daily basis by running behind the couch, his new trick of opening the door, brushing his hair and teeth, dressing and undressing himself and sitting on the toilet seat - where did my baby go? And when did the big boy move in?

He doesn't particularly like TV - and, well, we don't own a TV, but he does get to watch some Arthur or Mr Bloom when I'm struggling during the day -, but worships his book collection. He loves to take baths, loves his ducks in the bath and is growing tired of water being dumped on his head and falling into his eyes.

We never did follow Baby Lead Weaning (smack on the wrist because we started him on food at 4 months when I felt under pressure for him to put on weight and didn't want to move him onto formula) so on Sunday I handed him the spoon and let him get to work on a yoghurt that he made short work of...

I wasn't going to mention this at all but I am getting a new camera. And I am excited. 

I had a plan which involved not mentioning it to anyone and dazzling everyone with the amazing photo's I'm going to take...but the truth is simple and it's this; no matter how great my camera, my lenses, lighting and any other equipment - I need to stay true to that original fire in my belly feeling. I need to keep my passion going and not be trampled down by all these 'rules' that photographers seem to follow. After all a majority of my 365 photos were taken on a mobile phone and I didn't let it stop me back then. 

Last Year...

Last year Roman was 5 months old. I did laundry; hung it out to dry, brought it in, folded it and put it away. I organised the corners of our living room (and wanted to die doing it), I organised the drawers of Roman's clothes every 3 months, I vacumed, dusted and polished his room. I aired out his curtains (back in the days when he had curtains!) and would throw open the window as wide as it would go. I unclogged the kitchen sink, poured bleach down the drain in another fruitless attempt to keep it clean, scrubbed and bleached the sink knowing that within a week it would be back to it's disgusting state. I would mop floors, scrub counter tops and even got down on all fours to clean the bathroom floor corners that the mop found hard to reach. The toilet was clean, the bath never had dirty foot prints on it.


Just as I would throw open the windows in Roman's room I would do the same in our room and in the living room. I would carry this work out over a period of a week; scattering the jobs  out knowing full well I was the only one responsible for doing them. 


And suddenly, everything changed. 


I got very sick with mastitis. Loads of washing felt like blocks of concrete in my arms. Scrubbing the toilet free from urine seemed less important to me. I had better things for my energy to do like eat and get better. I recovered from the mastitis but as I have ME it stripped me of my energy. There is even a pile of clean laundry, sitting in a basket in B's bedroom (I say B's bedroom because it's not really my room. My room is the living room and the couch is my bed) that has been there since last summer. A year ago.


I remember that life was very different until I got struck down with an infection. And that's how easily life can throw punches at me. One infection, one virus, one stomach bug and I am knocked out for a year. Everything annoys me now, too. Like you wouldn't believe. I get annoyed when B hangs washing inside and puts the heating on in the summer. The kitchen is constantly dirty. Every room is a mess. There are two over full washing baskets full of months old dirty clothes. The bathroom hasn't been cleaned in a month. I sleep on a couch. I live my life on a couch. I sleep a maximum of four hours a night. I hardly see anyone I know and I don't know who my friends are any more - or if I can call people I haven't seen in years friends.


And there are certain people who swing by every month without a moment's notice. I don't get dressed because it's an effort. Life is an effort so don't expect me to come to the party without my pyjama's, after all that's the uniform of the sick, isn't it?

Walking update.

Image: Days old Ro, hooked on standing up constantly.

I have this neurosis about Ro. And him not walking yet. I never put that onto him or force him to walk; I've always been a relaxed parent and I like to think I have encouraged his development rather than forced it.


After all, he can say coherent words that other people understand, can string together sentences of two to three words so I am pretty happy. And blessed. 


However, he isn't walking.


I know it will be fine. I know everything's well. But he is my first child. Go easy on me in the comments ;). Please don't tell me "not to worry" because I am not worried. I don't think I ever worry unless I have reason to worry...and seriously? Telling a Mama 'not to worry', who are you trying to kid?


I'm more in distress or turmoil over his non-walking state because there are babies months younger than him happily toddling around on two legs meanwhile he's happy to scamp around crawling. Little monkey.


Both me and B were 10 months when we were walking so I am wondering where this rogue non walking gene has come from and have vague recollections of stories about my Mum's Dad (who I never met as he died when she was 12) and the fact he didn't walk until he was around two years old. My Gran also says Ro resembles my Granpa Scott, so there we have it. A rogue gene from a man I only know about from a few photos and a few hundred stories. Case solved, I think.


Ro is happy to toddle around on his knees and I am not going to stop him. I am going to encourage whatever he wants to do and if every other kid in the World is walking, dancing, twirling and running before him, let them. Um...well, you know, if he's not walking before Christmas then I am probably going to be worried, but you know...till then he can keep scamping around the floor, picking up bits of random fluff, offering them up to me and saying; "FANK CHOO!" 


And amongst the viruses we've all had, the recurring night sweats I've had, the meals not consumed and the housework gone eternally undone someone decided they might want to join this two footed World of nonsense after all...

Image: He was constantly sitting down and standing like this for ages.

Thank you for keeping my neurosis under control by standing for me, Ro!

And yes, as you can see, I wasn't joking about that 'housework eternally undone' statement.

Thinking about: My 14 month old doesn't walk. But he sure can talk.

(Excuse the quality of the photo, it was taken on my camera phone.)

10 months ago things were looking good on the physical development front.

I wasn't worried (apart from the time he wasn't sitting up by himself for ages.) He was 4 months and had mastered rolling over.

Also, I want to make it clear that the above photograph was taken when Ro Ro was 10 weeks old. He was determined he was going to walk. Even then.

I thought to myself; "We're going to have a circus act on our hands by the time he's 2 years old." I pictured him lifting cars and wearing his underpants on top of his spandex trousers. Maybe a gold 'R' emblazoned on the chest of his spandex suit.

Not really.

I just imagined that we'd be a lot further on physically right now. I'm not letting it eat me alive - again - but I am starting to think; "why doesn't my 14 month old walk already?"

He gets himself around just fine. He crawls anywhere and everywhere he can get too. Once he's arrived at his destination he'll pick himself up and shuffle along on his feet. Or he'll fall onto his bum and begin the crawl.

And sometimes he nabs things off tables, crawls away with them and lies on his back to enjoy them, happy as a clam.

I need to learn his lesson in calm, in not freaking out. In just going with how he develops. He will do things when he's good and ready. He made sure of that by being born 8 days after the doctor and midwife predicted he'd arrive. He will never be rushed in life and this is one of those things.

It scares me how independent he is at 14 months. He's pulling off clothes, handing them to us and he will dress himself with a little bit of help. 

He has also been brushing (back combing) his hair for months now and is perfecting the use of the comb through his locks. 

He is so thoughtful and considerate. He tears off pieces of food and offers them to us. He offers us toys and clothes. He's sharing and he's caring. 

He kisses photographs of himself. He says soo many words. Dad, Mum, Hiya, Hey You (B's influence...it sounds like bloomin' Rab C Nesbit has moved in with us), Eh-Oh (umm Teletubbies are to blame), Bye Bye, CAT, Amen (at the end of prayers no less), Granny, Granpa, Gog (Dog), Up and 'up above' (he sings 'up above...wurlsoooohii' as in Twinkle Twinkle Little Star) and well if there are any more I am missing I'm sure B will point them out to me!

So I don't give a stuff if he's not walking yet. He'll get there. He's getting around and this obviously suits him. If he was that bothered or taken by walking I'm sure he would be doing it by now.

For now I'm going to take a chill pill and enjoy the chasing after I don't have to do.

Busy.

We've all been pretty busy these days.

I wish I could say that my 14 month old hasn't mastered the art of picking his nose, but it's true. He's picking his nose on quite a regular basis.

Yuck.

But I suppose it's just dust, right?

More Roman related things: We're (read: me) trying cloth nappies again.

It's not as though I stopped using them consciously. Life just got hectic and I got rather ill - which involved not sleeping a heck of a lot and being housebound (what's new?) for weeks on end.

B doesn't enjoy using cloth whereas I can't think of anything better but seeing as though he's doing a majority of the nappy changes we go with what he wants - it makes sense, doesn't mean I like it when it comes to me changing a disposable! 

Disposables drive me crazy. I can't fit them properly and I don't like that we're throwing money away on these kinds of nappies. I suppose most people will have an opinion on that, but that's mine.

I find that fitted cloth nappies work for me so I fitted Roman in one today. He had other ideas about where the wrap (outer layer that is waterproof) should go and began to wear it as a hat. He loves to peel the velcro apart and stick it back together - and I'm amazed he hasn't successfully pulled off a nappy yet.

I want to work on a few personal goals. I want to document my breastfeeding experience so far. I want to write about my trip to Thurso. I want to write about my Second Mother's Day. 

And in my professional life I've taken on a Distance Learning course so I can one day (when I've completed the course) do some freelance work in proofreading. I'm also just busy preparing some books to be sold and lots of other things I can't yet tell you about ;).

2011 is going to be busy!

I also thought it would be fun to add a little bonus picture at the end of this post, so click on 'read more' to see it ;). Hope you enjoy, I know I did.

365: The End of a Photography Era.

I DID IT!

365 days, 365 photographs = complete.

When Roman was a little over 4 weeks old I finally decided I should start a 365 Photography Project with him. The above photo was our starting point.

The idea came from Gregarious Peach a beautiful blog which 'documents delight.' 

I wanted to document my own delight and ended up doing so much more in the process.

(Image: C.Quinn. This is the original photograph and one of my favourite ideas, I decided to re-work this a couple of times.)

I uploaded the photos onto Facebook and under the description put down my days thoughts; any little stories, milestones or whatever else I had swimming in my head at the time. When my only reliable and decent camera died I still continued on. I took photos using my husband's camera phone. It wasn't until a few months later I decided we needed a 'better camera' and purchased our trusty 2004 Canon Powershot - as well as buying Lightroom later on in the year to enhance what the camera could not.

(Image: C.Quinn. My second re-work of the original photo above, totally different perspective.)

I haven't regretted a single day. There were days where I would comment on how crappy things had been that day or I would moan about sleeping patterns being destroyed, breasts hurting or neighbours being butt heads and when I look back now it provides me with a smile on my face and the perspective I need to see that my life is the most crazy/beautiful thing I have been blessed with ever.

(Image: C.Quinn. My third re-work of the original image and probably my favourite.)

I love it.

This Project was something I started as a keepsake for Roman and to keep my Mum and other family members updated on Roman. My Mum came to stay with us for a month - two weeks before and two weeks after he was born - in February and I felt sad she would miss out on his day to day growth. 

I have made some cherished ties with people I never even knew before this 365 Project and rekindled old friendships that time forgot. 

(Image: C.Quinn. I re-worked this second photograph as the 365 Project concluded. If you look very closely you will see B's hands wrapped around Ro's waist.)

I have learned so much - mostly from the King aka Roman himself - about life, about babies, about love, about loss (yep), about marriage, about myself, about cameras, about editing, about photography and about people reaching out in this year.

(Image: C.Quinn. Re-worked from the above image, here is what it looked like eleven months later. Making me teary eyed by sitting by himself on the wall - and still not too happy wearing socks. )

This is for everyone:

Thank you for being one of my cheer leaders. Thank you for being one of my followers, even if you didn't comment - thank you for taking five minutes out of your day to appreciate the work. Thank you for all the comments. Thank you for new and re-kindled friendships. Thank you for all the likes. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over.

And thank you to all my followers on the blog - and all my readers.

This is for B:

Thank you for taking the photographs, my crap about taking the photographs, inspiring some of the ideas and telling me I couldn't quit just about every single day.

And this, well this is the photograph we ended on:

P.S. I will still be keeping the blog on. After all this was a 'behind the scenes' look into our lives and I've loved writing about that.

Don't miss out!

Leave me a great comment.

Mormon/LDS Bloggers and my thoughts.

I've heard a lot about what Mormon Bloggers are for a while now.

Here are my thoughts on the matter:

We're (we're being LDS/Mormon bloggers) often revered for our "picture perfect lives/out-of-style-magazine homes/our cookies/pies etc."

I don't have a picture perfect life by anyone's standard. And to be honest I don't know anyone - LDS or not - who does. We're (we're/we being humankind) all constantly wishing we could be better than we are - after all if we weren't, would cosmetic surgery be such big business? Would we even bother to keep up with fashion trends or cause trends of our own? 

The truth is this: me and my husband argue. I've blogged about it once. 

Because it was included in the context of the blog that I wanted to achieve, not because I wanted to gripe about how bad I have it. Not because I want to paint him as some monster and not even because I wanted to get off my chest about how much he drives me crazy. 

And what is wrong with griping, of painting husbands as monsters in the relationship and of telling others they drive you barmy? 

Well I just think it's counter-productive. When I have a problem with someone, I take it up with them. I think it would be very premature of me to come and detail our arguments, piece by piece. And really although we say we love the drama that life throws at us - do we really?

I turned to my blog as a bigger way of apologising to him. Of saying; "I can't believe I've turned into the things I thought I'd never become." This is the human condition. It can be over come. This is the goal of everyone - LDS or not. Are we agreed upon that? 

I think it is important to acknowledge that both me and my husband are flawed - but why should this be the focus of my blog? It's my way of keeping record of my thoughts. Not a place to bank self-pity - and yes, you're very entitled to self-pity where it's due (didn't want to open up a can of worms on self-pity there.)

I accept there are abusive LDS/Mormon relationships and would never tell someone to keep quiet about this - and neither would our church. And if you want to read someone's view on recognizing emotional abuse read it here. Because the words are placed better than I could have put them and the explanation is pretty thorough and if you're dealing with this then you shouldn't have to live with it, no way. Or go here, here or here. 

The point is that I try to see the good in everything - and I accept people have short comings. However one of my short comings is also one of my husband's and so sometimes we spark off each other and it results in an argument - but why would anyone want to see that? We don't even like it in each other so I don't understand why a reader would want to read about it.

We were wed in 2009 - I had just turned 23 and he had just turned 22. We hadn't been engaged for long at all. We were each other's best friends. I told him anything, everything and the favour was returned. I knew straight off the bat what I wanted and this is something I had never known in any of the relationships I'd had previously. 

I couldn't have had my baby boy without this man I call B. Yes B is annoying sometimes and yes he grinds my gears sometimes but he also has this amazing calming effect on me. He makes me laugh mid-argument when he purposely comes out with an inappropriate moment joke or just a certain look he will give can send me off into a fit of giggles. He's been through things with me that I haven't been through with anyone else; because I haven't let anyone in that close. I'm comfortable, safe, secure and happy - and most importantly I love my husband.

He believes in me. And he believes me.

He isn't threatened by me simply because I am an intelligent woman, like all these other people I have dated. He doesn't speak to me like I am several I.Q points off brain dead. He doesn't tell me what I can and can't do with my life - it's our life and we share it together. He doesn't make decisions that effect me in any major way without speaking to me - and I give him the same courtesy in return.

We are trying to work hard at following what we preach. We are trying hard at upholding the vows we made in 2009. And we are working on our eternal marriage. 

Why? Because we love each other and because we know it's what makes us truly happy. We could retreat away from our beliefs but we believe that wouldn't bring us the true happiness that is promised to us, that we feel every day. Our son is a result of our choice to be married, our love to one another and another sign of our commitment to life. 

We're happy because there's so much to be happy for. Do we get sad? Yes. Do we feel down sometimes, too? Yes. Do Mormons/LDS people suffer from depression and other mental illness? You better believe it. 

There is no conspiracy here; I'm just blogging about the best because when I think of the arguments, the things we said I can't help but think about the joke he made or suddenly images from our wedding day crop up in my mind; I was very late, he didn't look at me when I walked down the aisle, (as per my instructions because I thought it would make me nervous) the intense feelings of happiness and overwhelming love when it came to saying 'Yes' to marriage and the feeling of nervous energy as it got closer and closer to it being us, on our own, the married couple without the fanfare of the wedding day around us. 

And then I sit and wonder what it will be like on our tenth, twentieth and thirtieth and so on wedding anniversaries - how I will feel and how those feelings will evolve over time. Because I fully expect them too. 

Because even after two years of marriage I wish we could do it all over again; relive all the happiness even if it meant going through all the sadness. 

It would be worth it a million times over.

Don't miss out!

Leave me a great comment.

If I ever...

I've made a really important decision...

If I ever get pregnant again I'm telling no one.

Shall I begin to tell you about the constant horror scene stories I heard, or perhaps the well intentioned "get drugs" advice from men (okay, seriously taking the empathy thing too far on that one, guys!) and last but not least the "YOU'RE HUGE!" insults comments.

(4 days before my due date, I was 9 months pregnant here.)

When you're pregnant you become public property and Jack and Jill Average turn into Jack and Jill MD/OBYGYN/Midwife.

Seriously, back off people. 

The last thing any pregnant person wants to hear is how HUGE they are. Yes, I think pregnant ladies get it.  Trust me they're certainly feeling every kick to the groin possible, (just putting it out there) counting every day they have left until their due date (although not more than 5% of babies actually arrive on their due dates) and trying to get through the day (and night, pregnancy insomnia sucks!)

I was transported back to the 7-9th months of my pregnancy tonight while on a Facebook Group reading what Mum's To Be were saying - I'm not some weird person who stalks pregnant women, this group is for Mama's, too - and the insensitive and rude nature of people in this country never ceases to amaze me.

One Mum was so upset as some absolute tool had said she was the size of a house. Excuse me? Let's back up a second here.

The size of a house?

I wasn't shocked as when I was pregnant people kept reminding me (although I think they forgot I'm not blind and I can look in mirrors) how huge I was getting. 

On top of the "you're so HUGE!" comments were the constant: "HAVE YOU HAD THE BABY YET?" questions.

Twenty times a day without fail.


When I'm pregnant for the second time I will add three weeks onto my due date. When I had Roman my due date was the 1st of February. By the 8th of January people were asking if I had any twinges/signs of labour yet - with a few asking if I'd had the baby yet. Fast forward to a week later and my Facebook wall was covered in queries as to where this "stubborn baby was."


On the 2nd of February I had people telling me they'd perform a C-section on me themselves if the baby didn't show up soon.


On top of not sleeping, not really eating properly and the insane trips to the toilet I could have done without these queries, comments and insults.


So this is my plan of attack for next time;


Hide under layers of clothing for as long as possible, stretch the truth about the due date and delete all comments on Facebook related to the pregnancy.




And definitely make one of these cool time lapse videos!