Sunday, 20 February 2011

Two Years.

Two Years To The Day.
(And I promise the smiles were very real. I just had a really sore jaw from smiling so much.)

When I consider that I've been married for two years I can't believe it.

It feels longer.

I don't know if that's good or bad but I consider it a good thing that I feel this way.

Perhaps I shouldn't share this, but I will. 

I am actually writing this blog post 4 days ahead of schedule because I am one busy Mama.

Tonight Bryan and I said some rather unkind things to one another

(and I am horrified at some of things I heard, believe me, but what's worse is that I am horrified by the way I was feeling and some of the things I said.)

Why did we say these unkind things?

Because we let things slide on top of us.

 Two years ago I couldn't have imagined we'd ever say unkind things to each other. I knew there would be disagreements, arguments but I always believed we'd resolve things. I always believed my future husband when he said; "We won't sleep on our problems."

Well that is not reality. People need sleep. And whoever said you shouldn't go to bed without resolving things I don't believe they've ever been married anyway. Or they're lying. Or on Prozac or something (and that is not a slight on people who take anti-depressants.) 

Sometimes we disagree and say unkind things. And sometimes we never resolve that. Sometimes we say sorry and mean it and sometimes it sounds like; "I'm sorry, but..."

We fight like two sisters but we love like two sisters; no matter what the other does, the forgiveness is always there. Just waiting to appear. Just waiting for the calm after the storm.

(I can't believe I compared the love I have for my husband to the love I have for my sister but if you have a sister you'll understand that the love is so similar.)

Married life isn't about a "make do and mend" kind of relationship, it's a "live and learn" kind of relationship. It's a "wait, grow and see" relationship. It's a constant lesson relationship. It's a well maintained, well nurtured relationship. It's full of little intimacies and surprises. It's lived and loved. It's ignoring the cards that pigeon hole gender roles into simple little categories of "women are hopeless at driving/reading maps" and "men can't look after babies/cook without burning something." And anyway, my Mum and Gran were the DIY Queens in my lifetime so I've never known any man whose any good at stuff like that - aside my big brother. So in your face stereotyped gender roles!

The truth is that when given half a chance men make the most amazing fathers. And husbands. Just give them half that chance and you will have success. 

It's like Sea Monkeys; nurture them and watch them grow!

Okay...marriage and Sea Monkeys? Yes. I went there.

Anyhow, I found an old diary entry of mine I wanted to share. It's from December 25th, 2008. This was approximately a month and a few weeks before I was married:

I have been playing around on Facebook for a bit and looking at pictures of my future husband when he was on his mission. He looks so happy and for me to see that happiness in him is amazing. He looks so handsome and smart, too.

I can't get more happy!
I can't stop smiling. And laughing. And daydreaming. It doesn't feel real still.

With him, nothing is impossible. When he got home from his mission - and people got annoyed in the months running up to it when I talked about his homecoming - that's when I realised he was for me. I just had no idea how to go about that. So I sunk into things that distanced me from all just felt unreal.

I'm not unattractive or dumb. I just didn't think someone as amazing and spiritual as him would be for me. As in...maybe he would be paired with someone as equally spiritual. 
I tried to take a back seat, but I couldn't help myself. I persisted with my feelings I had always pushed away, I changed because I wanted too and in five months's for all time and eternity .

I didn't realise this was what love felt like. Proper love. Where two people aren't scared to admit their feelings and where it's so intense like this.


The best part is me admitting my Facebook stalking. Second to that is the amount of sickening happiness I was clearly oozing. But it was real. My life was at the start of this amazing new journey (and I feel like we're still there, it's weird.) 

"With him nothing is impossible."

I want to have this engraved on my brain. Especially when we say unkind words to one another.

When I read this entry I can't believe we could be so short with each other. I honestly didn't understand love until I met Bryan. I knew the depths of which I could love someone; my parents, my family, my close friends. And I understood and accepted the love I felt for my beliefs; for the Lord, for Jesus and for every sacrifice ever made that made it possible for me to have beliefs.

But real, romantic falling in-love love I never grappled with until I met him. I'd had boyfriends before, but they all seemed really silly and insignificant when I realised the true depths of my feelings for my "friend" Bryan.

I remember when I met him in 2004. I thought he was tall and awkward. He was my brother's quiet friend. A year later he was my brother's loud friend. We used to joke about being married quite a lot but I never took it seriously. Cara Quinn? What a weird name!

He is so much more than I took him for. I am still learning. 

I am still loving. Every single little day we have together.

Don't miss out!
Leave me a great comment.
When you comment I'll even give you a piece of two-year old wedding cake!