A Fine Mess.

I really don't know what me or Roman will make of this photo in the years to come but for now; this is all I have of today. I don't want to say 'oh my goodness look at my messy hair/beginnings of wrinkles/general shabiness' because, well, does it even matter?

There are few and far between photos of me and Roman together. For both our sakes I told myself that'd change this year. So far it's been difficult to be in front of a camera and centre-stage...and then to see myself as others see me. But then I spotted something; our eye colour, mine and Roman's, is nearly an exact match. He was born with bright blue eyes; Bryan thought it would never change but I was so sure Ro would have green eyes. He's proved us both wrong and surprised me.

And for the sake of future reference; today we had a strange food aversion incident. I made vegan cheesy pasta (macaroni) with broccoli in it. I showed Ro that I was putting it into the mix and he was not bothered by this, or so it seemed. "Trees!" he said when he spotted the broccoli cooking. I served up his dinner and he sat beside me on the sofa to eat it. Well about 5 minutes in he started screaming hysterical and jumped right off the sofa as though he was in pain...feeling very guilty I realised I hadn't let it cool right down, thinking it would be okay to serve as is. 

"Ro! Are you okay?" I proclaimed, checking him over. I quickly realised his problem wasn't the temperature of the food but the contents and in particular; the broccoli. He wasn't expecting it at all and it had freaked him out good style. He was shaking for at least a good hour after his scare but he still ate the broccoli! For the rest of the evening he was freaked out by the neighbour using his vacuum cleaner, any slight sound and was extremely clingy. My goodness I hope I haven't traumatised the poor child!

Daddy Day Care.

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Another Daddy day, Roman is of course very happy to pose for Bryan ;). As soon as the camera was taken out of it's case Roman very happily said 'CHEESE!' (I've no idea where he learned that.) As soon as he sees me coming near him with a camera he'll run a mile ;).

And despite me being laid up in bed for the whole day in agony, I was very well looked after. Roman wanted to make me feel a part of his play time and shared his toys with me, as you can see below.

Bryan took the top photo on his camera and I took the bottom photo on his camera. He has this recurring joke that he's a better photographer than me - well, I think I proved a little point here ;).

I love that Roman is so thoughtful, that he runs through to tell me everything that's going on and share toys with me. On top of this he never forgets to give me a kiss and cuddle before bed. My lovely little man.

Daddy Time.

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Getting ready for a 'baf', Roman gets pretty excited in his supposed wind down period before bed - maybe working off all that extra energy? 

Lately he has been putting his arms out for 'cuddos', running into mine and B's open arms for them. Another trick to getting cuddles; me and B will cuddle up and repeatedly say 'aww!' in very exaggerated tones ;) - this is a trick I learned with my childhood pet dog, Goldie. If you wanted a sneaky cuddle from her everyone piling in for a cuddle and pulling the same exaggerated tone worked. It's the same for Ro. Every single time it works.

But there is something special about his 'cuddos' with B. He grips those chubby little fingers on his arm and is very reluctant to let go for 'cuddos' with me. In fact, he'll just scream 'Dadddd-eee!' at me if I dare pluck him away from his beloved Dah-dee. 

Oh, but I love him so much. Even if the love is sometimes unrequited.

P.S: 'read more' if you want to see more! 

Mama Bear and RoRo Bear.

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I wasn't prepared to have a little boy, but I am glad I had one. To be honest, any gender would have been fantastic - but I'm glad it was Roman, my little boy. 

Mr Chillaxed. Mr Happy. Mr Adorable. No problems at bedtime, always a little 'night, night', and more recently, "see you in the morning" (only less coherent.) After the lights are out, there's not much noise from you. 

Today you were full of cuddles - not for too long, of course. I'd smother you in love and motherly kisses all day long if I could (you're kinda squishy) but you're much too occupied with books and making mess to want to deal with such nonsense.

Documenting Delight - 366 Project {The Start}

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I was surprised to see this face on my camera display right after I'd taken the photos of Roman enjoying some bubbles - the look of wonderment and pure joy, all from a couple of blown bubbles.

My 'Baby Bear' is no more. His face shape is changing, his language is developing and he's becoming his own person more and more each day. 

I sometimes feel I shouldn't call him 'baby' anymore and I haven't called him 'Baby Bear' in ages...after all, he's a definite toddler now. 

The babyhood doesn't last for long and I know toddler hood will be just as fleeting. 2012 will bring me a two year old and I am excited to share, to learn, to grow, to watch all these changes (through watery eyes, no doubt!) and to have another year of complete photos and words.

Follow: @MamaChaser 

Email: carakirk@hotmail.com

{Righting our wrongs} a blog for my mum.

Dear mum,


it's been an interesting few weeks and I am happy to say that 2012 will be a great year. 2011 was good, there's no denying that, but 2012 will be better. 


Not because I have a perfected idea of what it will be, but because I know it will be good. I have a few loose plans, rather than resolutions, and I really hope to stick to them - but if I lose my way and I forget my plans and I somehow completely abandon them I won't wait another year to start again, I will start as soon as I remember I've gone off track. I also refuse to feel guilt or a need to punish myself just because I've forgotten something. 


And why do we feel guilt so much anyway? Is it a 'woman' thing? Are we raised to consider everyone else's feelings but our own? 


I've been giving that some thought this week because I am trying to watch what I say and the things I do around Roman. Yesterday was a day where that all went out the window. I told him to go away several times, I also imitated his 'want up, want that!' mantra back to him and he looked at me like I'd finally cracked. I felt awful before the day was up and I didn't know why, when I worked out that the way I'd spoken to him was making me feel so terrible it made me feel even worse.


It was one big cycle of guilt and not really liking myself. I was useless when I felt this way. I couldn't do dishes, I felt frazzled and unmotivated and my stomach was really hurting. I had been harsh to him because I could, because I hadn't slept and because I didn't think about what I was saying. I snapped and reacted in the moment.


Maybe it's not that we shouldn't consider ourselves - or others - but that we should be aware of the long term effect our words and deeds have. That would go a longer way to repairing our guilt cycles, I think. 


And so what did I do to 'fix' my feelings? I forgave myself. I'd gone through the day in my head again, played it out as though I hadn't said and done certain things and then I decided I'd be calm, loving, patient and playful the next day. I moved on from my mistake and I forgave my wrongs. 


The best part in all this?


I slept better because of it.  


Follow: @MamaChaser 
Email: carakirk@hotmail.com

26 for 26.

Today (Christmas Eve, I know!) I am 26. One year older than 25 and four more years closer to 30. My older/oldest brother (pictured with me above) was 30 two days ago. Growing up was fun. Two days, two birthdays and then WHAM, Christmas landed on our laps and by Boxing Day the birthday cards were cleared away. So, with lack of anything inspirational or even remotely motivational to say I decided to do a little Christmas list of my own. Except this one isn't me asking for anything, but rather I'm in a caring and sharing mood.


This is my '26 for 26' list. 26 little known or unknown facts all about me. I haven't written them down yet but just know this is extremely hard for me to do (you'll find out why in one of the 26 facts, I'm sure.) Have a great Christmas, wherever you are and whoever you're with, and enjoy my little list :)!


I am a private person. I like to hold my tears in, I like to shy away from a camera lens and I find it painful to share private things...yet, I share quite a lot on here. That's the thing, though. I only share what I need to - whatever is necessary to help or inform a change. I open up not out of feeling secure, but because I want to share things. And I try to not let the people who've let me down and hurt me change that about me. 


 I don't like to say 'I love you' over the phone. There was a huge time in my life that I went without saying it, but that's silly. Now I struggle to say it over the phone. I don't know why, it's just how it is.


This is a baby photo of me. I was two weeks old.

 I love looking at baby pictures. LOVE it. I go back and flick through Roman's baby photos, the few I have of myself as a baby and toddler and then I get all sentimental and full of ideas. "Oh Roman could do with a sibling..."


Even though it's hard to admit this, I think Roman is my first and last child. I can't count the number of times I've been asked about adding to our family...and while I still don't really know... I think another pregnancy would destroy what little scrap of health I do have. But, you never know, right? ;).


Childbirth, growing up and getting married were some of my biggest fears growing up. And now I'm not sure why. All of these things have been wonderful to go through and experience.


I cry, every single time, at the end of Vanilla Sky. No other film gets me like this one. I literally dissolve at the end. It's just so sad - but I won't say why and spoil it if you've not seen it ;).


8. When I was 8 we got our dog, Goldie. I thought she would live forever.


 I hate drama. I feel sick at the thought of it.


 I hate attention. Even someone wishing me a Happy Birthday on Facebook makes me feel anxious and I have no idea why. It's a well meaning thing, but it fills me with a strange panic.


Even though I hate drama and attention I love to talk politics. This can invite a lot of drama and a lot of attention...but I can't help myself. I have to stick up for what I believe in.


Silent Night makes me weep a little. I picture those song lyrics brought to life and it makes me weep.


 I love to buy presents months ahead of Christmas. I like to pretend I am an organised person and this validates my dillusions.


 Right now, this is my favourite photo.


 Right now, this is Roman's favourite piece of music/ad. And the song happens to be named 'Eliza's Aria' and not that I go shopping for coincidences but Eliza was Roman's womb name. 


 I like to think Roman choose me to be his Mama.


 I left school when I was 15. Best decision of my life.


18. I had my first serious relationship at this age. I don't talk about it an awful lot because it was a strange relationship that spanned years and isn't really all that interesting to me these days - it happened, it didn't work and now we don't talk. Before this relationship I never had a boyfriend longer than a few days/weeks/months. 


I moved out of home for good when I was 21. I haven't been back to live with my parents since and this makes me oddly proud of myself.


I used to hate roller coasters, now I love them.


I don't have a best friend. I lost touch with anyone from school, I don't speak to the people I grew up with and these days I find friendships hard to maintain so I don't have a best friend. Yes, B, is my 'best friend' and probably my longest standing best friend that isn't directly my family, but apart from that there is no best friend. 


22. I got engaged at 22. All I can say is: love is love and that's the end of it.


23. I got married at 23. I think it was one of the best decisions of my life. And also the most scary.


24. I became a mother at 24. Like the above. Scary and amazing. And also the recovery was quite painful but I wouldn't change any of it.


25. At 25 I felt 'old.' We were living in a mouldy flat with no proper bed, I was sleeping on our mangled couch and my hips were really suffering as a result...I'm so glad everything has changed within this year for the better.


26. This is the age I will go into the new year with. And I'm excited. I'm going to get myself incredibly healthy - as healthy as I can be - and get my weight back into a healthy range.


Have a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year, everyone! 


And don't forget I'm doing a 366 Project in the New Year! I'm excited. But for now I'm off to party, whose joining me?!




Follow: @MamaChaser
Email: carakirk@hotmail.com

Cheeky.

A cheeky little boy. 

Today we got him a new chair to sit in - a kid sized version of a stylish chair. I felt fairly confident he'd enjoy the chair. When it arrived, B made up the chair and we introduced it to Roman. He sat on it, sure, but then he spent most of time pushing it around the room!

Eventually, in the fading sun of the afternoon, he settled down for a seat. His relaxed attitude was a contrast to my panic over a wrongly delivered parcel (what was meant to be our TV stand was actually our neighbours Betterware order.)

Growing and growing. And growing.

Parenting: going by in a blur. 

I don't know where 18, nearly 19, months have gone. I would have 10 children if they could all be like this. But that's not reality. The reality is that everything is a gamble and that having babies is a gamble. 


For me that gamble is knowing I could make myself more sick, perhaps totally crippled and totally confined to bed/my house forever more. That's a daunting and scary thought. As it stands I will never be that mother who pushes her child in a swing at the park. Meanwhile life moves on for others and Roman gets bigger - and smarter - by the minute.


He is figuring out this World around him without my help, aided completely by his curiosity and helped by my inability to move fast and keep up with every leap, bound and stride he takes.

The mimicking has reached a new height. He copes e v e r y t h i n g I do. He wants to be in my business constantly. And has no regard for doing it to my standards - he just wants to learn, he just wants to be part of all the excitement and be wherever there is something going on.

When my Mum told me that I shouldn't be so quick to have him walking, she was spot on. But of course, as children do, I didn't take it seriously. I was in a flap about him not walking so much that I got over excited when he did start walking...and now...well now I find myself trying to claw back the babyhood a little. Stay a little bit tiny, for now, stay in my arms and on my lap. But he is too quick, too fast and already has me beat on physical strength. 

On top of this, he is asserting his independence on a daily basis by running behind the couch, his new trick of opening the door, brushing his hair and teeth, dressing and undressing himself and sitting on the toilet seat - where did my baby go? And when did the big boy move in?

He doesn't particularly like TV - and, well, we don't own a TV, but he does get to watch some Arthur or Mr Bloom when I'm struggling during the day -, but worships his book collection. He loves to take baths, loves his ducks in the bath and is growing tired of water being dumped on his head and falling into his eyes.

We never did follow Baby Lead Weaning (smack on the wrist because we started him on food at 4 months when I felt under pressure for him to put on weight and didn't want to move him onto formula) so on Sunday I handed him the spoon and let him get to work on a yoghurt that he made short work of...

I wasn't going to mention this at all but I am getting a new camera. And I am excited. 

I had a plan which involved not mentioning it to anyone and dazzling everyone with the amazing photo's I'm going to take...but the truth is simple and it's this; no matter how great my camera, my lenses, lighting and any other equipment - I need to stay true to that original fire in my belly feeling. I need to keep my passion going and not be trampled down by all these 'rules' that photographers seem to follow. After all a majority of my 365 photos were taken on a mobile phone and I didn't let it stop me back then. 

Walking update.

Image: Days old Ro, hooked on standing up constantly.

I have this neurosis about Ro. And him not walking yet. I never put that onto him or force him to walk; I've always been a relaxed parent and I like to think I have encouraged his development rather than forced it.


After all, he can say coherent words that other people understand, can string together sentences of two to three words so I am pretty happy. And blessed. 


However, he isn't walking.


I know it will be fine. I know everything's well. But he is my first child. Go easy on me in the comments ;). Please don't tell me "not to worry" because I am not worried. I don't think I ever worry unless I have reason to worry...and seriously? Telling a Mama 'not to worry', who are you trying to kid?


I'm more in distress or turmoil over his non-walking state because there are babies months younger than him happily toddling around on two legs meanwhile he's happy to scamp around crawling. Little monkey.


Both me and B were 10 months when we were walking so I am wondering where this rogue non walking gene has come from and have vague recollections of stories about my Mum's Dad (who I never met as he died when she was 12) and the fact he didn't walk until he was around two years old. My Gran also says Ro resembles my Granpa Scott, so there we have it. A rogue gene from a man I only know about from a few photos and a few hundred stories. Case solved, I think.


Ro is happy to toddle around on his knees and I am not going to stop him. I am going to encourage whatever he wants to do and if every other kid in the World is walking, dancing, twirling and running before him, let them. Um...well, you know, if he's not walking before Christmas then I am probably going to be worried, but you know...till then he can keep scamping around the floor, picking up bits of random fluff, offering them up to me and saying; "FANK CHOO!" 


And amongst the viruses we've all had, the recurring night sweats I've had, the meals not consumed and the housework gone eternally undone someone decided they might want to join this two footed World of nonsense after all...

Image: He was constantly sitting down and standing like this for ages.

Thank you for keeping my neurosis under control by standing for me, Ro!

And yes, as you can see, I wasn't joking about that 'housework eternally undone' statement.

Happy Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day to my Mum.

She's a mother to four children, Granny to three grandchildren and comes from a long line of strong, independent women who can take care of their homes, DIY, stretch a budget, cook for twelve*, entertain and educate children, make clothes, have babies and so much more!

I love my Mum loads. We haven't always been best friends (and you know what Super Nanny thinks of parents as best friends so perhaps it was for the best!) but now we definitely are. I love spending time with her and being in her company. Everyone who meets her likes her - I have yet to meet someone who doesn't.

She's a good Granny and loves to spend time with her grandchildren. She loves them equally and whole heartedly.  She isn't interfering or overpowering.

I know if I mould myself into the sort of Mum she was that I will be doing a good job with raising Roman.

"I grew up confidently expecting to have a profession and earn my own living, and also confidently expecting to be married and have children. It was fifty-fifty with me. I was just as passionately determined to have children as I was to have a career. And my mother was the triumphant answer to all doubts as to the success of this double role. From my earliest memory she had more than half supported the family and yet she was supremely a mother."

- Crystal Eastman. 

Thank you, Crystal Eastman. Thank you for putting into words exactly how I would describe my own Mum, expectations and upbringing.

So a Happy Mother's Day to all the Mama's out there.

And to one of the best Granny's in the World: Thank you for being my Mother's Mother. Without you we wouldn't be here and without you we wouldn't be who we all are. You've created this family from the ground up.

Get Well Soon.

*and this happened on many, many occasions. Especially at Christmas time with missionaries who were far away from their own Mama's.