Confessions of a Toilet Training Parent: Part One.

Roman is three and only a few short weeks ago he was still in nappies during the day and night. I felt like I'd failed him and myself. When he was old enough to sleep a little longer and give me a little more time to think thoughts that didn't revolve around, 'when I will sleep again?!' and 'I can't stand this feeding every 40 minutes thing!', I began to think about when that magic age would be to get him out of nappies. So when he was 7 months, I bought a potty. We caught some pee in it, much to his and my delight, and every night before his bath he'd pee on it if cued. But that's the problem; if cued. Not because I felt he was ready both emotionally and physically. And you know, if you want to try potty training a 7 month old then go for it, but I didn't find it doable or realistic to our schedule or lifestyle at that time.

So I kept the potty because I knew we'd hit the magic age one day. But when exactly would that magic age come? I wasn't really sure so I'd try every few months to get him interested in using the potty. Sometimes he'd really want to try and show a great interest in it, other times he'd put it on his head and claim it as his hat. Around the 18 month mark he started to show an interest in the toilet again and out came the potty...well instead of going for a pee in his potty he would use his Bumbo seat. My mum then bought him a turtle toilet seat that he loved the look of but freaked out when placed on. 

After that I gave up and decided we'd really go at potty training after his 2nd birthday. Well he turned 2 and in March I bought him lots and lots of dinosaur pants. He just didn't seem to get the fact that he wasn't supposed to pee in these despite me putting him in them all day, giving him plenty to drink, rewarding him (worst idea ever for a 2 year old), taking him to the toilet and offering up plenty of reminders. I honestly felt like it was never going to happen but then something funny or endearing would happen and it kept me going. One of my best memories of trying to potty train a 2 year old was one Saturday morning, when I was having a lie-in, and Bryan was in charge. I was woken up with a little voice shouting, "Quick, quick, quick, quick!" and little foot steps running to the bathroom to try and make it to the toilet on time. But that one time was a rare occasion and for the majority of the time it was me cleaning up pee off our carpet. In my mind I just knew it wasn't the right timing so by the end of April I gave up pushing the issue and waited for Roman to ask for pants which he never did.

Throughout 2012 we made various attempts at potty training, most of which seemed to work at first but then failed miserably. Trust me when I say I was desperate to get Roman out of nappies but I was also not too keen on forcing the potty or toilet onto him. I was also riddled with first time parental guilt for keeping him in nappies. Most of the blogs I read were stories of 2 year olds fully potty trained and walking around dry in public...I honestly began to question if something was physically wrong with Roman. He would seriously not stop peeing and there were times when he'd make successful trips to the potty all morning and then pee on the floor all afternoon. I was frustrated, full of guilt and stuck on what to do and who to turn to. 

When my mum was around in August I spent an afternoon quizzing her about it. As expected all four of us were toilet trained either at 2 years or before and after this age. "Are you joking?" I asked, totally defeated. My mum told me that although we were using the toilet there were always accidents. I mean I remember being 4 years old, at school, too scared to ask to use the toilet and being so full to bursting that my bladder would empty - embarrassing, yes, but I was shy and didn't find my voice in school until I was a little older rather than not having bladder control. I honestly felt like crying, giving up and letting my guilt eat me from the inside. This isn't how I expected this to be.

"I don't think Roman is ready to use the toilet full time," my mum told me and it was these words, although they'd been said by Bryan many times before, that really took me out of my weird guilt ridden state. Although I didn't want to admit this truth, I knew she was right. I just hadn't allowed myself to see it because I'd been so fixated on that 'magic age' crap and I'd compared myself, and Roman, to other parents and their peeing-in-the-toilet-toddlers. "When he's ready, he'll let you know and there will be no stopping him," my mum said to me, very gently. Huge weight off my shoulders and huge sigh of relief. And sometimes when you get a point of view from the outside looking in it really helps. 

I can't say my guilt or comparing went away, because it didn't. There were times I just felt ashamed of Roman being 2 years old and still in nappies and there were more times than I care to admit that I compared myself to others. Then something magical happened; whenever there were blog posts about toddlers learning to use the toilet, I didn't read them. Whenever well meaning parents would humble brag about their peeing babies or toddlers I would silently, and gently, tell myself; it's okay, you're not them. And Roman isn't that child. He's your child and he'll do this in his own time, when he's ready and he'll let us know when that time comes.

I stopped giving a crap - excuse the pun ;) - and got on with being a parent to my child. Because, really, that's what matters. Making sure you and your child are happy and doing what is right for you. Things like potty/toilet training will happen when they happen but it shouldn't sap the life out of you or consume your thoughts. I began to relax about everything after speaking to my mum because she was someone I could trust not to say something awful, crappy or disrespectful and she pointed out something that I was too scared to admit. Roman wasn't ready, he really wasn't. I didn't use to believe in 'readiness' for toilet training and to a point I'm not sure where I stand on that issue today but clearly your child needs to be emotionally set up and prepared for moving out of nappies and then match that emotional readiness to physical control and readiness. 

Roman didn't crawl until he was almost 11 months, didn't pull himself up to stand until the same age, didn't walk until he was 18 months and for all of those things I can tell you this: he is an observer. He likes to watch how things are done and then practice them once or twice until his technique is where he wants it to be. When he began walking he moved like an unsteady baby zombie for a few days until one day he was steady, sure and completely confident. All through these stages I have been paranoid, worried and full of guilt. Constantly believing I was doing something 'wrong' or that something was physically wrong with Roman - which is easy to think when you're physically messed up. The 'problem' that isn't really a problem is that Roman is a person who likes to do things on his own terms and at his own pace without rules or restrictions around that. I like to think I haven't put any barriers or anxieties around his physical growth, even though I've been riddled with worry and guilt I've always tried to not put that on him. The only 'problem' was me and my worrying ways. 

Once Upon A Potty.

A very nice book arrived today. It's a book all about using the potty, where our bodily functions come from and makes toilet using less scary for little ones - and their parents!

While we were in Thurso Roman asked me several times to put him on the toilet. I obliged his requests but nothing happened. This is odd as he usually does pee when he asks for the toilet or manages to pull down his pants to use his potty. We've gone off course with this potty and toilet thing but as soon as Roman was at home from Thurso he has used the toilet several times quite happily and very freely. My mum was here for a good week or so after we got home and sang to Roman 'pee pee in the toilet!' which he has been chanting ever since whenever there is toilet talk around here.

I've been putting off getting this book until I really went at the toilet using with Roman...but I bought it last week from Amazon and it arrived this morning while I was sleeping. I had been banking on giving it to Roman on Monday, when he starts full time toilet using/independence, but like I said; it arrived while I was sleeping and Bryan gave it to Roman this morning ;). I'm glad as it seems to have sparked off Roman's interest to using the toilet again and I'm hoping that come Monday, despite the odd hiccup, we'll crack this thing together (me, Roman and Bryan when he's around.)

This book is really lovely and is a gentle way to introduce children into the world of full time potty/toilet using. It also comes as a 'girl' or 'boy' version and this is handy as it explains where pee and poo come from. Also...if you're squeamish with cartoon poop or pee; probably not your kind of book. As for Roman? He loves it. He waves his hand up to his nose and shouts; ""PEEOOWW!" at the poo scenes ;). 

Nappying It.

When I see him like this it reminds me of the many baby photos we have; chubby, inquisitive and still in nappies.

I can't say I've worked too hard to get him out of nappies - but we have tried. I would love to launch into a cold-turkey style of taking away the nappies (and I'm positive he'd cope better than me or Bryan with this) and letting him free range it. I'd simply offer him the potty or toilet, and he knows both are there, throughout the day and when more control and confidence was there I'd start taking him out with underpants on. If he suddenly forgot he wasn't wearing a nappy and couldn't just 'go' in pants and got wet...no biggie, I'd soon change him. It's only pee. 

But with a marriage comes two viewpoints and Bryan is reluctant to try this method, which is frustrating on my part. I want to do things a certain way and I can't because I have to respect that he gets a say, too. This is fairly new in our society as women used to have the complete say so over child rearing matters not too long ago - maybe even a generation ago - and men just didn't get involved at all, which is obviously not the best thing. It's better that Bryan is involved, it's better that men of our generation get their hands dirty with child rearing and it's better that a fathers viewpoint counts, that it matters and he cares about how his children are raised. And this is the overwhelming feeling over everything, no matter how frustrating it can be to want to do it 'my way' a lot of the time. 

Then there's Roman's way - and his time table. He's waiting for us to be ready, I can tell, because he's got no hang-ups about using either the potty or toilet. In fact he's quite practiced in it and I can't help but think we should just go for it. 

Either way, the plan is that by the end of this year: he'll be out of nappies full time, during the day and night. And however we do it, it will be done!

Potty Training Our Dinosaur.

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We got things off to a start a little today with potty training. 

I'd like to go at it with a no looking back on using nappies attitude but Bryan would not. I know Roman isn't bothered either way - he likes wearing pants and nappies. The truth is that with me being ill (not that you'd notice as I normally run myself ragged on a daily basis) we mend and make do. What works for us might seem backwards or obscure to others but we have to do what works for our family. 

Luckily everything else has happily fallen into this wonderful pattern where everything has worked out for us and I keep reminding myself that learning to use the toilet full time will come, just like everything else. Roman just needs us there to cheer him on, to guide him with gentleness, to wipe up pee and to wash his wet pants ;). Any parent or carer of small children who have been here before know what I'm talking about, I'm sure.

There was a little hiccup with using the potty in the morning. Roman didn't want to try the potty and pleaded for a nappy...that was until we got a pair of pants out of his drawer. He loves pants and that makes me happy - it's the little things ;). I wouldn't say we're militant on this regime we have going but once we've used up our disposable nappies they're gone, all gone. We do have a stash of cloth nappies that we'll use for night times and naps - it keeps our home happy to do this so I'm going with that. 

After Roman went to the potty (a story I'll keep off the blog to protect his dignity) we fitted him with a nappy. Shortly after he had it on, he wet it. He pointed to it and said 'oh dear!' I checked him and sure enough it was wet. He's aware - he's always been aware - and right now is a great time to start guiding him through this process.

Pray, cross your fingers, do a rain dance or send wishes to the moon that this goes well for us when we go for it full time. I'm scared it will end horribly and he'll regress back to nappies...but I'm also reminding myself that every parent must feel this at some point.

To The Loo.

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It doesn't look like it but today was challenging. 

A lot of tantrums, hair pulling (mine, by him), tears, defiance's and a refusal to go for a nap. Now that I am sitting here writing all this it seems like nothing but in all reality the minutes felt like hours. I found myself looking forward to bedtime and getting some reprieve from all his cheekiness. 

In one of his better moods he asked for my hand and led me to the bathroom. "Toilet," he told me and so I thought to myself, sure, let's try you on the toilet then. I fixed his turtle seat to our toilet seat, got him ready and plopped him on the seat. Where he stayed. 

He then started to act a little silly by throwing everything he could on the floor - that was until I realised he wasn't actually being silly and was just trying to get to the toilet roll so he could wipe. I was quite surprised to see how well he did with this to be honest and had a fit of giggles watching him mimic a very grown up thing - which, of course, set him off in a very adorable giggle fit of his own.

After he'd been sat there for a few minutes I figured he might get a bit bored sitting there with nothing to do and thus jump off the can and totally give up on going there instead of in his nappy so I retrieved his quiet book (made by my mum) from his room and he happily flicked through the fuzzy fleece pages, quite the thing. 

After some minutes of flicking through his book he threw everything on the floor and tried to get up from the seat. I wasn't expecting to see anything in the toilet bowl and was very amazed to see he'd peed in the toilet for the first time ever. When he saw the pee he shouted, very proud of himself, "BYE BYE PEE PEE!" and knocked the lid of the toilet down. I flushed, we had a little cheer and washed our hands - he loves this part of the toilet ritual. 

Formal toilet learning/training/whatever you call it hasn't started. We've been using the potty more and haven't really used the toilet at all - it was only today that he showed signs of wanting to use it. I'm just letting Roman lead the way and once we're done with his packet of disposable nappies we'll try him in underpants and see how it goes (if it doesn't work out, we have a back up supply of cloth nappies. I know. We're bad. I don't care. It seems to be working this way.)

There has been absolutely no pressure or stresses made on going to the loo or using a potty. I bought him a potty when he was around 9 months, have tried him on it now and then since then and well lately he's become more interested in using it. A few times he's been caught short and peed the carpet, but that's okay. It's all learning - for us and him respectively.