Hi. This is a Blog Post.

Um so...the posts have been lacking lately. The reality is that I've been busy, busy, busy and I haven't really had a moment to edit photos and share them on here. I haven't really had time to think about what to actually do with my time because it feels as though every minute is taken by life. The thing is this: I always do more than I can manage and burn myself out. Doing things mostly single-handedly with Roman I don't have a chance to recoup any energy - lately he's been getting up stupid early and waking up from naps early, too. If I take the naps away it doesn't make any difference. If I keep him up later, much of the same. It's tiring and exhausting because there is absolutely no room for taking pictures, blogging and sometimes eating (on top of research, house work, working out my future plans). If it wasn't for Bryan coming home every lunch time I don't think I'd bother with food.

Despite all of this physical stuff I don't feel emotionally zapped at all. In fact I find my list of things to feel sad about is well...non existent. If I were feeling down emotionally I'd honestly believe I was depressed, but I'm not. I'm sitting on the surface of content with sprinklings of frustration and annoyance because life is not perfect. 

So I need more time to catch up with the photo posts. And no: in the time it took me to write all of this I couldn't have done a photo post. It takes me about an hour per post and I have a few days worth to catch up with...so no I don't have the time for that ;). Tonight I'm wrapping Christmas presents that I bought ages ago because I don't want to spend my birthday (24th December) wrapping them, like I did last year. For now I'm going to watch a programme about homes in small spaces, wrap my Christmas presents weeks ahead of schedule and when I'm done I'm going to celebrate with vegan pizza. When I'm done me and Bryan will watch Lost and the whole time I'm sitting there I'll try not to think about what I should/could be doing. 

Are you a freak like me? How do I lose some control over my control? Why am I such a perfectionist? HELP!

Not Popular. Don't Care.

Me as a fat, fat child. I loved food then and I love it now. I will never be skinny.

I've never been 'popular.' I don't know what it is about me but I am not a people magnet in the least. I'm not like my dad who can be friends with anyone and start a conversation out of the air. I don't have the nice-ness that my mum was born and blessed with - that same magnetism I lack to attract people to me just because they want to be around a nice person. I think I've always seen myself as this person with a steely edge who puts up barriers and borders to stop people getting in. I don't know how that comes off at all. I see myself as a terrible friend even though I feel as though there is a lot I'd do for people - if only I had the energy to do it all.

In high school I didn't have a problem making and keeping friends. At church and in our youth programme I was quite good at making new friends - the only catch there seemed to be that at first people didn't really like me at all, they had to learn to get to know me. To not second guess what was going through my head. So many people have told me things like 'I thought you hated me when I first met.' I think I have this problem, too.

There is also the other problem I have. I meet these amazing people and suddenly I do something (that I usually have no clue about) and they stop speaking to me. I think it's usually because our politics and other values don't match - but honestly, if I don't care, why should you? Trying to keep this blog politics free has been hard for me. It's something I feel very, very strongly about. When I turned 18 I couldn't contain myself about being able to vote - it felt like a bird being let out of a cage. So when there is a conversation going about politics I feel my head shouting to me; "DON'T SAY IT! YOU'LL RUIN ANOTHER FRIENDSHIP!" but then my mouth does other things. I can't help myself and I don't feel I should help myself - other people don't, after all...

But it's that whole 'if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it?' scenario. Just because someone is being unkind, mean, hurtful, offensive etc doesn't mean I need to do the same back. And just because someone is hero-worshiping their politician of choice doesn't mean I need to respond to that nonsense or counter it with my own views (hero-worshiping aside because quite frankly there are about zero politicians who are 'hero's' in my eyes.)

So, when I came to blogging with the idea of just writing what was in my head and spilling out my heart (with some censorship, naturally) I honestly didn't think anyone else would read it - least of all people I knew. Mostly I was writing for myself; I needed a space to fill up with my thoughts and impressions. When my mum started reading my blog I think I started to tailor the posts for her a little, then my aunt joined in and so I began to tailor certain posts for her, too. Then other people, strangers, started to read the blog.

I remember the little flutters of excitement I would get when someone would respond to one of my posts - even if what they said was mean, I got excited that someone gave a crap to work up a mean reply ;). But focusing on the good: the majority of replies were positive, encouraging and not just someone looking for a chance to try and network and leave me high and dry otherwise. The comments left me feeling full of respect for people, gave me faith in humans and restored my belief in friendships.

Only a handful of people (who weren't family) have truly reached out to me in life. And it's because the rest of those people didn't see who I was, not truly. I can't speak for why people have helped me and reached out to me but the only answer I can give is that they are lovely, nice people who teach me so much with their kindness. That even if I did give them chronic bitch face, make them think I hated them and was quiet around them they still reached out to me. 

Look I'm never going to be popular, and you know what? I don't care. I thought I knew the future of this blog, but I don't. And: yep, you guessed it, I DON'T CARE! :).

 I'm not sure how I want to be remembered in life but I would like it to be with kindness and love. I don't care if I'm popular or 'liked', because that's not what counts, is it? Having friends is great but it means nothing if you did nothing. 

I wouldn't even care if everyone hated me, because if I knew I was doing my best and my Heavenly Father knows I'm doing my best then that's what counts to me. If I succeed as a mother and do it without complaining too much then that's what counts and matters to me. Having a happy home, a happy relationship and 'good' marriage is what counts and matters to me. Doing my best for those around me, to the best of my abilities - that's what counts, that's what matters.

Having loads of friends and people 'liking' me because I say things that make them happy, make me fit in and make me seem like a better person when I'm not acting on it is false. 

I can only be me, do my best and accept that I will never be her or her. I only have my life to write about and if that's not popular with people or it's not interesting to read, well, people don't have to read it ;). If you don't take the time to get to know someone, how do you know you don't like them?

So I'll keep on doing what I'm doing. I'll continue on despite the trials, the problems, the health issues and I'll keep going; not giving a damn that I'm not popular, but just doing my best.

Being an imperfect person in an imperfect World.

18 year old me. I thought everything about me was "wrong" at this point.

I was feeling down one day.

Then one day turned into two. Two days into three and three into a week.

It went on and on and on until I suddenly realised I wasn't happy. In fact I was pretty unhappy. I began to self criticise (as you do.)

I thought about all the things I've ever done wrong: the time I told a kid his big brother was waiting for him and he wasn't, the time I stole a sweet from the pick n mix, the time I smoked a cigarette butt that I'd picked up off the pavement (wow was that one of the most disgusting moments of my life) and other, bigger, uglier mistakes I've made.

I then began to look at myself in the mirror and in photographs and I really didn't like I what I saw; lines, wrinkles, even grey hairs. I only looked half-decent when I threw on a shed load of make up. People were constantly telling me I was too big, too pale, too dumb, too negative, never happy and so on.

I can't remember where I let it get to me, but suddenly everything they said seemed to click into place and lock. 

These opinions and observations, that were really just a form of criticism of their own, turned into daily affirmations for me.

One day I decided that I'd had enough of hearing ugly, critical and hateful things inside my head. I was going to do something about it.

On my slow and steady journey into where I am now I discovered many things, but none that would surprise me as much as this...

I am an imperfect person in an imperfect World.

I need to give myself a break from time to time. I don't always get it right because sometimes I have to fail in order to learn. 

I couldn't believe that it could be that simple. Did it make me happier knowing this? No. What made me happier was time and being around the right influences and not letting the criticisms of others break into my conscience. 

Because you should allow the criticisms but be prepared to accept that they're not gospel truths all the time. Even your own criticisms.

To accept all the negative emotions and attentions of others isn't healthy for a self-esteem to blossom.