Sunday, 8 May 2011

Being an imperfect person in an imperfect World.

18 year old me. I thought everything about me was "wrong" at this point.

I was feeling down one day.

Then one day turned into two. Two days into three and three into a week.

It went on and on and on until I suddenly realised I wasn't happy. In fact I was pretty unhappy. I began to self criticise (as you do.)

I thought about all the things I've ever done wrong: the time I told a kid his big brother was waiting for him and he wasn't, the time I stole a sweet from the pick n mix, the time I smoked a cigarette butt that I'd picked up off the pavement (wow was that one of the most disgusting moments of my life) and other, bigger, uglier mistakes I've made.

I then began to look at myself in the mirror and in photographs and I really didn't like I what I saw; lines, wrinkles, even grey hairs. I only looked half-decent when I threw on a shed load of make up. People were constantly telling me I was too big, too pale, too dumb, too negative, never happy and so on.

I can't remember where I let it get to me, but suddenly everything they said seemed to click into place and lock. 

These opinions and observations, that were really just a form of criticism of their own, turned into daily affirmations for me.

One day I decided that I'd had enough of hearing ugly, critical and hateful things inside my head. I was going to do something about it.

On my slow and steady journey into where I am now I discovered many things, but none that would surprise me as much as this...

I am an imperfect person in an imperfect World.

I need to give myself a break from time to time. I don't always get it right because sometimes I have to fail in order to learn. 

I couldn't believe that it could be that simple. Did it make me happier knowing this? No. What made me happier was time and being around the right influences and not letting the criticisms of others break into my conscience. 

Because you should allow the criticisms but be prepared to accept that they're not gospel truths all the time. Even your own criticisms.

To accept all the negative emotions and attentions of others isn't healthy for a self-esteem to blossom. 

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