Bubba is one of Roman's nicknames that I use with an increasing frequency and of course with total endearment. He is my bubba, my bub, my baby and I love reminding myself of the fact on a daily basis apparently ;). He's even started to call himself 'bubba' or 'bubs' an awful lot, too. With that said it's also no secret that time means he grows, that time takes him further away from actually being a baby and lately I've been feeling that pull.
He'll be three in February. Three. I sometimes can't believe it's been three whole years since I held newborn Roman in my arms for the first time and often I think about that time, how I feel somewhat robbed of it as there wasn't large portions of time where it was just me and he. I couldn't physically deal with my newborn, everything that demanded me physically took its toll on my body and so we relied a lot on Bryan. Bryan became two parents rolled into one and quite frankly I sometimes can't get over that. Let me go back, I could fix it, I sometimes tell myself and then I remember that nothing would change, that it would still be the way it was and the options would also remain the same.
I also feel that I didn't materially prepare for Roman's arrival. We were extremely scraping around for cash in the run-up to his birth so I didn't manage to baby shop ever. I remember feeling so much pressure to buy things for this baby but when I thought about what we needed? I couldn't have made a list or written down material things we'd need because every time I did it was a huge reminder of all the things he'd never have. I felt guilty and I felt trapped in bad circumstance so I just ignored it and willed it to go away. As these things go there was a lot of help from many sources and in the two weeks before Ro was born everything material that we needed littered our living room and his room.
I feel bad that I wasn't more excited for his arrival but I was too focused on how scared I was of the whole process to enjoy any minute of it and sometimes I wish that I could do it again, or that I could have the experience back to appreciate it. I also wish for that new baby from time to time.
But that new baby I once knew is growing, changing and developing into this wonderful toddler that I love so much that it has changed everything about me for the better. Even on days like today where he cries no matter what I do or say and then falls asleep after a massive emotional upset, allowing me to shop in relative peace without worrying about rushing home for bedtime or hurrying things along so I don't stress other shoppers out with my sons crying and shouting. Even on days like today where I'm reminded; he was once my baby and I shouldn't forget it. Even on days like today where I felt a little far away from what I should be feeling as his mother. Even on days like today where I could have thrown every angry, vicious and ugly thought out there on to him but instead I chose kindness because I remembered: he's my baby and he always will be.