Sunday, 5 June 2011

Sweet Like Chocolate.

Saturday was an interesting day. Chocolate bagels for breakfast are always fun - I broke a piece off my bagel for Roman because all hell breaks loose if you don't.

Today I thought a lot about babies and how sweet it would be to have another one; oh how this memory of mine fools me into false senses of security constantly.

I wrote a whole post about baby-dreaming. I wrote about the fact of how sweet another little bundle of squiggly joy would be. Then I reminded myself of something; I am seriously ill, it won't happen. I have gone through my whole life reminding myself of that and somehow we knew to have Roman. We knew we should do it, no matter that the doctors were prodding and poking me from all angles to tie down specifically what my body was putting me through.

So many options were put to me and all I could feel in my mind, burning into every thought was this; HAVE A BABY NOW. I didn't think it would happen, so I went with it, completely trusting this feeling. Knowing all good things led to it. 

So many things happened leading up to the pregnancy and so many things happened as soon as we found out. We were both unemployed within days of each other. We lost a whole lot of money because our Government screwed things up with our unemployment money - which I never claimed in the end. So many people made things difficult for us around me. I was so miserable and so very sick.

But I knew all good things led to this pregnancy. This one burning feeling, this one sure thing I had known throughout. 

Things have changed dramatically since that time in our lives. It was a bleak period but we survived it. We needed it and we needed to survive it because now I know how much I can truly endure. Unemployment, sickness, poverty, being a carer. I can do that. I might not be very good at it, but I can do that. Not much can take away from my confidence any more.

So, back to babies. I love my son so much. I guess I'm like a lot of good parents; I want the good things in life for him. I never want his life to end up like ours was for that year and a half, but then I don't want him to be spoiled by never experiencing real life.

Life seems so easy when you have it good and when it's bad you just want it to stop. Or for something to happen to make it all better.

I think the reality is that you have to face the facts of your situation and deal with what you can deal with and forget what you can't.

I shouldn't worry about never having another baby, if it's meant to be it will be. If not, that's okay. I'll be okay with it. And not because I have to be okay with it - but because I trust that feeling, that little prompt, the thoughts that burn through to everything I think and I will know if it's right or not. 

Until then, I'm soaking up everything in life.

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