Sunday, 14 August 2011


What was your childhood like?

Is it something you love to talk about or something you find hard to discuss?

For myself I had a majority of 80% happy memories and 20% of it where it was hard and a bit miserable. 20% might sound like a lot, but I can assure you that if the numbers were around the other way and 80% of it was hard and miserable that it would paint a very different picture in your mind's eye.

I had some hard trials as a child. I can't phrase it any better than that, because that is exactly how I would want to frame it when presenting my childhood story to you. 

These trials really hardened me towards trusting people; for the most part I found myself very reluctant to trust anyone. I would make new friends but I never seemed to keep friends as I felt their loyalty to me was never where I wanted it to be - I had friends, some I even have to this day, but I never felt I gave myself to anyone; in fact the first person I feel I truly 'gave myself' to is my husband, in every way. 

In the past I also never opened up, shared or explained myself too well; I kept my feelings and emotions in check all the time, lest something would slip out that I didn't want slipping out.

For years this system made sense. And one day, when I was about 17, I'd had enough. Enough pretending, lacking trust, hating several people and being in this state of constant unforgiving. I had to move on. 

Up until then my hatred and pain fuelled me through the day. I could smile, be happy, laugh and crack jokes like the rest of them but when I was on my own there were the over whelming feelings of hating everything and feeling so much pain. Enough was enough.

Bad things do happen to good people. I was a very decent, caring, loving and expressive child and I couldn't let that be taken from me, too. I had to fight back to reclaim myself and my life. I'm fortunate that I could find the strength to do that - and I am so grateful for Jesus Christ's sacrifice for us, without His sacrifice I would have struggled. I knew people had gone through pain like I had but the only other person who had truly felt it and experienced it like me was Jesus.

Just because God is a loving God doesn't mean that he can stop people being stupid; starting wars, killing and abusing children or people killing people. That is entirely a person's choosing. And they must deal with the consequences. 

God is a loving God because he doesn't intervene on someone else's choice.

However it's our decision to decide how we're going to react and what we do with how others treat us that matters. How we respond to pain is our choice. We can choose fight or flight. Right or wrong. Good or bad.

I'm glad I selected the choice that was good for me. I am glad that I can sit here and say that 80% of my childhood was awesome, I think that is a tremendous and awesome number that my parents and myself should be happy about. 

Thank you to everyone else. Thank you for raising me in some way, for being my friend, for tuning into my needs and putting them ahead of your own. Thank you for reading my stories and sharing this life with me. 

It means everything.

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