Restless Summer.

This summer weather is more like October weather; drizzly rain that doesn't quit, grey skies that threaten to shower me every time I leave the house with a half-decent hair style and there's the temperatures; one minute cloyingly humid, the next chilling my very marrow and requiring heating, socks and even blankets.

I wish I could drive or that public transport was less of an expense so that we could see new things every day, instead of the same old same old (not that I'm complaining at all, I don't mind the same old same old...a change of scenery would be nice.) Going to Stirling by train isn't really an option I like to take - there is the issue of getting his buggy up and over the stairs and while there have been willing public volunteers in the past, I can't always bank on that possibility. I feel very itchy to take an adventure but then confined by circumstance and house mess.

Roman's sleeping isn't any better these days; if he naps during the day, he won't sleep very well at night. I've been thinking we should cut naps but I'm not ready to lose them, either. Even if he naps for an hour or so he won't sleep at night. Instead he much prefers to take 5 or 10 minute rests with a blanket in the middle of the floor, just like the picture above. As I write this he's happily munching into apple-sized strawberries from Fife, a jam bagel cut in two pieces and a home made ice lolly right next to me, in his high chair. If anyone wants to know how anything gets done in a home with a toddler, the answer is always food and a high chair (with supervision, I felt that went without saying but that I should say it anyway.)

Escape.

Trying to make his escape, while simultaneously blocking himself with his stool ;). I appreciate the logic and skill applied to this escape but I think it's safe to say he's going nowhere.

Fathers Day.

This is Roman's '1,2,3, JUMP!'

So today was Fathers Day. Bryan let me sleep in, got me breakfast - and brought it to me - and he got up with Roman. He then helped me get me get my stuff together and more than once encouraged me to get my rear out the door. 

I had an idea of what I'd like to get him, but I never ended up doing that. Roman is too young to understand the concept of Fathers Day but I've always tried to include him in it. Instead of any material gift Roman gave Bryan the 'gift' of a cuddling in session on the walk home to church. Our little boy was exhausted, didn't want to walk and so Bryan lifted him up, with Roman's chin resting on Bryan's shoulder and my flowery bag slung over his other shoulder. This is manhood at it's finest; a man who can do all of these things comfortably. 

And this wild boy of mine will one day become a man - it fills me with such joy and reassurance that Bryan is his dad, to show him how it's done ;).

Big Boy.

Lately it's been hard not to notice that Roman has been growing. Rolled up jeans have had to dramatically be completely unrolled, and other people have started to notice the recent stretch this little man has taken. It's sometimes hard to accept the fact that one day he'll not be a toddler, not be a child, not be a teenager and will be a man. I can't imagine such a time but when time passes so quickly like this I know the time will come - and it will all happen before my very eyes.

Today was getting overwhelming so I took him outside. He picked me 'flowers', shoved them up my nostrils so I could get a good smell and there was a heart stopping moment when he pulled on a pipe - and nearly ripped it off the wall outside. We then walked to the shops and once we were done I felt exhausted so I had a little sit down on the bench at the supermarket while Roman ate peanut cookies. A rather well dressed elderly lady approached us and asked what age Roman was.

"He's two," I told her, thankful I wasn't trying to tally up his age in months.

"Oh my goodness!" she chirped in her clipped accent. "He is a big boy! I thought he was four when I saw him. It's all those biscuits he's eating!" Eh, okay lady. I told myself she must not have any children because although Roman has grown he doesn't look four years of age. I was surprised when this woman told me she was waiting for her daughter, I suppose time obscures your view and I don't want that to happen to me. I'm thankful that I have this project, the patience and sanity to complete it and that I'm always going to have these moments, even if I can't freeze them as they are and jump into them when I forget them.

I'm This Boy's Mother.

He was a little happier today which was definitely a welcome relief. 

Everything is so magnified for him right now; when he's tired he'll lie in my arms, chewing his hand and allow me to baby him. When he's hungry he'll act like he's starving and hasn't had a meal in a week. When he's upset he goes all out; screaming, throwing himself down on the floor and if I'm nearby he might grab my hair or claw my face. And when he's happy? He's really over the top happy; big giggles, big smiles and full of cuddles. 

This time, this toddler-hood, is really tough sometimes. He needs me like a newborn needs the breast and a warm set of arms nearby. He needs me like a new baby needs to be swaddled close. He needs me in the way that he needed me when he was this screeching prehistoric sounding little creature that I didn't know how to soothe or settle. When we have these moments where he needs so much of me - and so much for himself - I now better understand why people say that parenthood is for life. 

I watched a documentary today and the undertone topic on top of the main topic was motherhood and how others interpret their versions of motherhood. The interviewer questioned the mother about one of her very strange choices in mothering her children. When the mother replied that she'd cut them off if they didn't act according to the way she wanted them to live their lives the interviewer simply said the following;

"Motherhood is one of the strongest human instincts possible. How will you shut that off?"

Her reply doesn't matter because when the interviewer said this my mind raced. I had to pause the documentary for a second and think about the heaviness of such a statement; first of all, is that true? Or is it simply not about truth, evidence based truth, and simply about our preconceptions when we think of motherhood. I don't know but I think it's 'true' in my situation. This week has given me much food for thought; a lot of time to reflect better over these past two and a bit years I've had as a mother, I haven't thought this much about my role as a mother and parent ever. I've thought about running away, giving up, shouting, screaming, crying while crumpled into a ball in a corner and everything in between throughout this week because it's been one of the hardest of my life. But I'm here; I'm present and I'm trying so hard to be gentle because the biggest thing I've learned this week is that being kind, being gentle and being the change I want to see in the world (baldy quoting Gandhi, I know) is the only place I know where to start from. 

Running away won't solve anything, so I have to face this head-on. I'm this boy's mother. And sometimes? It sucks when it's so challenging. But, with all that said; this is where I want to be. I want to spend my twenties and thirties nurturing this little man. I want to spend my forties, fifties, sixties (and hopefully beyond) seeing how he grows and the path life takes him down. I want these moments pictured above and I'm willing to take the challenges if that's what it takes.

Heat Wave.

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Lately I've been feeling like I've stumbled into some parallel universe and we actually live in Tuscany instead of Scotland with this crazy heatwave we've been having - it just won't quit! Your first unbearable heat of summer, living in Scotland, after you've lived through two relatively mild summers.

You don't make any complaints, you wear your hat with no upset and *gulp* you even say things like; 'grease on, no cancer and die.' 'Grease' is the name given to the sun cream we apply to his pale skin every time we go out (and top him up with, as well as ourselves) and Bryan, being the blunt speaker that he is, informed Roman of the risks of not wearing his 'grease.' Now he won't stop saying it. 

Roman is even at the point of lecturing and reminding me to wear my 'grease' so I don't get cancer and die. Weird thing is that when I have these little reminders I actually put my grease on, remembering that my skin isn't superhero skin that can somehow bounce the sun's rays ;). 

I took this picture just before 6pm. At night. It looks like the middle of the day. That sun does not want to sleep and I'm beginning to feel personally tormented by its heat. Also, because of the heat it's messing around with Ro's sleeping pattern, so we take little walks like this to tire him out - and it works. Bless those little legs that carry him.

Daddy Day Care.

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Another Daddy day, Roman is of course very happy to pose for Bryan ;). As soon as the camera was taken out of it's case Roman very happily said 'CHEESE!' (I've no idea where he learned that.) As soon as he sees me coming near him with a camera he'll run a mile ;).

And despite me being laid up in bed for the whole day in agony, I was very well looked after. Roman wanted to make me feel a part of his play time and shared his toys with me, as you can see below.

Bryan took the top photo on his camera and I took the bottom photo on his camera. He has this recurring joke that he's a better photographer than me - well, I think I proved a little point here ;).

I love that Roman is so thoughtful, that he runs through to tell me everything that's going on and share toys with me. On top of this he never forgets to give me a kiss and cuddle before bed. My lovely little man.

Changing Faces.

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These are the few faces of Roman ;).

With each time the shutter was released, I got a different pose. This reminds me of a scene I once saw on 'America's Next Top Model' in which the presenter and model, Tyra Banks, said that good models could pull a different look every time the photographer released the shutter. This is definitely the case for my cheeky bundle.

My instructions to him were to smile - and this is what I got. One cheeky grin and one scrunched up little face. These are the days where I'm so thankful for this Project - there is no way I would have got these photos today - it was hot, I was working and busy but I stopped for a good half an hour after Roman's afternoon nap just to enjoy his company, to smell his hair and to kiss his little hands. I am so thankful I paused and I am so thankful for today, for every day, with him and being able to capture it like this.

Sleeve.

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I caught him chewing his sleeve. And he wasn't in the least bothered I had caught him because he was completely transfixed by The Simpsons. It's a ritual in our house; watching The Simpsons, that is, not biting our sleeves.

My Two.

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I've come to terms with the fact that, at least for now, we're a family of three. We also might stay that way for a good few years (or for the rest of our lives, who knows.)

It's hard to deal with that because Roman is such a daddy's boy. Today I was thinking about who could have fulfilled this daddy role, out of all the people I know and the ones I've known. Yes, I'm sure you can be a father but to be a dad and daddy is an extra special thing. To be there every day/as much as you can be, involved and excited to share your child's life - to me that's what a dad is. And that's what Roman's dad is. What a blessing to see this in action every day. We're just so fortunate.

And although I wasn't feeling my best today I was very grateful Bryan was around to look after Roman for the whole day. I hate being sick because it feels like I never get to spend any time with Roman but luckily tonight Bryan had to attend a church meeting due to his calling in the Young Men's program ;). Me and Ro snuggle under a blanket, watch In The Night Garden and he'll offer me a dozen kisses and 'cuddos.' 

Oh and I found this blog tonight. Like I need another Mormon to follow on Blogland. I just can't help myself, we're pretty damn tootin' good at this blogging thing. Must be all our years of keeping a journal ;). 

Mr. Small is Fed Up.

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After a morning full of strawberries, 'see-ral' (cereal) and a visit from our Health Visitor, the excitement became over whelming for our own Mr. Small. Close to lunch he lost the rag with everything. I can only imagine this upset was fueled by hunger, tiredness and frustration.

Poor Mr. Small.