Friday, 30 December 2011

{Righting our wrongs} a blog for my mum.

Dear mum,

it's been an interesting few weeks and I am happy to say that 2012 will be a great year. 2011 was good, there's no denying that, but 2012 will be better

Not because I have a perfected idea of what it will be, but because I know it will be good. I have a few loose plans, rather than resolutions, and I really hope to stick to them - but if I lose my way and I forget my plans and I somehow completely abandon them I won't wait another year to start again, I will start as soon as I remember I've gone off track. I also refuse to feel guilt or a need to punish myself just because I've forgotten something. 

And why do we feel guilt so much anyway? Is it a 'woman' thing? Are we raised to consider everyone else's feelings but our own? 

I've been giving that some thought this week because I am trying to watch what I say and the things I do around Roman. Yesterday was a day where that all went out the window. I told him to go away several times, I also imitated his 'want up, want that!' mantra back to him and he looked at me like I'd finally cracked. I felt awful before the day was up and I didn't know why, when I worked out that the way I'd spoken to him was making me feel so terrible it made me feel even worse.

It was one big cycle of guilt and not really liking myself. I was useless when I felt this way. I couldn't do dishes, I felt frazzled and unmotivated and my stomach was really hurting. I had been harsh to him because I could, because I hadn't slept and because I didn't think about what I was saying. I snapped and reacted in the moment.

Maybe it's not that we shouldn't consider ourselves - or others - but that we should be aware of the long term effect our words and deeds have. That would go a longer way to repairing our guilt cycles, I think. 

And so what did I do to 'fix' my feelings? I forgave myself. I'd gone through the day in my head again, played it out as though I hadn't said and done certain things and then I decided I'd be calm, loving, patient and playful the next day. I moved on from my mistake and I forgave my wrongs. 

The best part in all this?

I slept better because of it.  

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