I was thinking about friendships.
I don't normally let people 'in' - and by 'in' I mean into my little inner circle of trust, kind of like that same inner circle of trust in Meet The Parents.
The truth is I'm not a good friend.
I don't call people up - asides family - and I don't even arrange to meet friends all that often, if ever, these days.
I'm not being rude. I'm not avoiding anyone. I just don't want to get in anyone's way.
I have this complex where I believe that after a certain amount of time has passed that people grow tired of me. I have no reason for them to think this.
I am also constantly battling through this thick fog of ill-health and dealing with it...I just don't want to sit down and share my life with people. It's too much to have friends right now.
But rest assured, the friends I know, they are always the best of friends in the end.
They always come through and I like to think (in my own way) that I come through for them.
But why do I always hit the 'hermit' button once a friendship reaches a certain level? I'm such a commitment flake with friendships.
I have reached the conclusion that I'm too ill for people to deal with. I can't keep up their pace, so I don't even try.
I remember a while ago I had a misunderstanding with a friend. I didn't even argue back, I just had no fight left in me. This is not like me at all because I usually fight to defend myself, but I just couldn't be bothered.
So while everyone thinks I'm being rude or ungrateful, if you're reading this, and you're a friend or we've had the odd brilliant conversation and I haven't picked it back up again know that I am not being rude and I am 100% grateful for you coming into my life.
That being said, just remember I am flaky with friendships right now ;).
When my health is bad, getting back to a reasonable footing in my life always has to come first.