Friday, 17 June 2011

Without Me

This picture makes sense when you read what I have to say.

Do you ever wonder how the World would be without you?

I used to think about this a lot as a teen. A lot. Maybe even as a smaller kid, too. But mostly as a teen as I became aware of the fact that I wasn't going to be a rising super star - and after all, what exactly were my talents? I don't think a wicked laugh and 'being good at doing nails' count as talents exactly.

So somewhere down the line I got thinking about the World - and my little World made up of friends, family, people at church and acquittance's - without me in it.

As a parent I have become so much more aware of what that World would be like. For a start nobody would feel the pain that so many do over a death. Pain is felt in death because there is a wound fresh on your heart, the pain is still so raw because you've spent a portion of that person's life loving them and even in death, you still love them. Everything is there, but mostly memories are there and they're as real and as sore as a burn you would catch off the flame on your stove.

If a person never came to be then there would be zero memories. Not a bean. Nothing. No impact, no memories made. If I had never been born, I wouldn't be missed. 

My impact on this planet feels so small right now. I often think to myself that if I died it would be the same as had I never existed or came into my body. Then I remember that Roman would be greatly effected. Or at least nearly everyone I know whose been unfortunate enough to lose a parent is greatly effected. Bryan could remarry no problem and I honestly believe given time he would completely heal. But Roman? Whole different story for me.

I don't think he'd be in mourning for his whole life, don't get me wrong, but I think to myself that he wouldn't be better off without me. Not because I think highly of myself but because I bring a dynamic to his life that Bryan can't provide on his own. After all I'm bringing my own life experiences, weaknesses, failings, strengths and successes into parenthood and no one has had those experiences but me. In my own way. In preparation. 

It humbles and amazes me to think that because I came to be, so did he. And sometimes that's enough to wipe out the feelings and doubts I have about myself. Truly.

But then there are minutes, days and weeks like this week where all I felt like doing was pulling a big sheet over my head and locking out the World. Feelings of giving up. Many tears shed. Major doubts about everything I am doing. Thinking I am doing everything wrong; photos, my diet, writing, things I say to others, things I don't say to others. And feeling very lonely and trapped in it all. And all the while worrying if this is what a breakdown feels like. And then reminding myself if I am thinking 'is this what a breakdown feels like?' then I am probably not having a breakdown.

And I know come Sunday, or Monday, the clouds will part to reveal another blue sky, full of possibility and promise until the next time where everything seems to be raining down from a great height.

This post was brought to you by my Psyche. You can thank her in the form of comments.