Thursday, 5 July 2012

Making Decisions.

Over the past few days I've made some decisions about where I want my life 'to go.' Last night as I sat watching a programme about old people in poverty in the UK (yes, it happens) there was one old lady in particular who local residents in her community despised. The famous person staying with her made the comment that 'if you don't like people, people generally don't like you.' I think that's very true and can be applied to a lot of areas of our lives. If you lack the wherewithal then you probably won't find it sitting at home staring into a blank space waiting for something to happen.  

I grew up with daily, weekly and monthly mantras/affirmations that always made me want to have more in my life...but the problem is that I am one of these average people in life. I won't change the world (not with that attitude, right? But it's true and I'm happy with this knowledge), I won't be recorded in history books, I won't create a movement that inspires, encourages or initiates change in a nation. I'd say I have average intelligence; I'm not an idiot, but I'm no Issac Newton. I won't be anything I want to be. I won't quit my life, but I won't massively succeed in the way the world wants me too, either. I don't know if I'll ever see the day beyond living below a line that tells me we're living in poverty...Western poverty (we don't starve, but we struggle), but apparently it's still poverty all the same. It appears that unless you hit a certain class/income bracket you'll never dig yourself out of that one; history and anthropology says so and it's only a small clutch of individuals with a lot of luck and a great idea that do make it out.

I lack the talent, ability, intelligence and everything in between to be anything more than I am. And for the first time in 26 years, I'm okay with that. In fact there's a few lyrics to go with how I feel about it all:

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses

I deal my own deck

Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out
I am what I am

I will tell Roman that he can give things a shot, but if he's not any good at it - it's okay! I'll say that some things are impossible and that the world is a terrifying place to be a part of. But I will also remind him that he can either live life laughing or crying through it all. I'm real. I'm not a positive person at all and this doesn't make me awful, despite a life time of feeling like it. Being realistic is better than giving yourself false hope and a handful of pipe dreams. 

So I'll work hard on finding a way to make a second income, I'll work hard in my life, my work, my parenting and in my church callings but there is one thing: I won't expect the world and I'll not be let down when I don't get it. If none of the above works out there is one lesson I'll have learned and that's that I gave something a fighting shot, but if it doesn't work out - that's okay!

So no more mantras, no more affirmations, no more belief in something that is impossible to reach - I am what I am. And I'm okay with that.