Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Tears And Smiles.

I love and hate this photo. Hate because it's not up to my standards and I love it for obvious reasons.

Today was awful. One of the worst days I've had in years. I felt lonely, overweight, ugly and generally not worth the air that I breathe. That's probably not something I ever imagined myself seems 'too much' and too private to share but I feel that way, it's life, it happens and sometimes it's not a beautiful world. I've struggled for a long time to be okay with myself, to re-think my old patterns, to re-learn bad eating habits and I've sincerely done my best to be healthy. It never seems enough on days like today and it bothered me. I expressed this through crying for an hour or so.

I think I've always been taught that there needs to be a reason for tears, for crying...and yet when people laugh they need have no reason, you're allowed to be happy but must have a very, very, very good 'excuse' or reason to cry, to express feeling sad. When I was younger my parents would always say things like, "stop crying" or "you have no reason to cry!" and while I'm sure no harm was meant I think it does inadvertently cause harm. The message is that crying is not okay or you need a reason to be sad. I recently found out that tears are good, that the body excretes stress hormones and it was my eureka moment. We're designed for it to be okay to cry. 

In my unusual (very unusual, I still have a problem with crying) hour of tears Roman was very comforting. He offered me numerous cuddles and even wiped my tears away - I was astonished by his very grown up behaviour but I felt so grateful. I've paved the way for it to be okay for him to cry and while today was beyond awful I'm so happy for that knowledge, it comforts me.