Tuesday, 3 May 2011

I'm Still Learning.

I love the messiness of this photo. His face, my face. The movement of the photo; aka all over the place.
I'm still learning so much about everything. Every day.

And I'm glad.

It shows I've got a reason to wonder why, to ask internal questions and to ponder why I'm not just like everyone else.

I've never had a true best friend outside my family. 

Don't hate yourself because people think you're pretty; enjoy being pretty and look beyond the superficial front everyone else see's. 

The one thing I thought I'd hate and be bored of - having a family and being married - is the one thing I love more than anything.

Never have I been more happy than I have right now. But I'm struggling so much, every day - in so many petty, pampered, Western ways. I struggle.

With who I am - and who the hell am I anyway?

A Mormon Girl. A Mother. A Wife. A Woman. A Feminist. A Person. An Equal Person.

A Writer. A Lover Of Photography. A Perfectionist. 

The person whose consistently working on getting healthier - a work in progress and an uphill struggle at once.

The person who sits at home on a Sunday morning, thinking; "When will it be my turn?"

My turn to be like everyone else.

To be driven crazy with Roman on my lap babbling and fussing in equal measure the whole way through three hours worth of church. To be partaking sacrament. To hear the sweet singing of; "I love to see the temple, I'm going there someday." 

I just know there aren't many people who can relate to any of this "stuff."

I'm constantly prodded for answers (like I have them) about "why I don't go to church?"

After all I'm 25. Not 95. Surely I must be the most healthiest specimen you've ever seen?

Truth is I barely leave my flat. The best I can hope for is the view from my living room or a quick stroll to the park - which kills me.

I don't really ask for any sympathy, empathy or understanding - just let the World stop with the questions and assumptions.

I had a look at some photographs tonight and they made me feel really empty. I've missed out on so, so much. I've missed out on best friends, on making new friends and having opportunities to spend time with people, to socialise.

When I was in London I made some really great friends. But that's over now. And it's hard trying to forget what friendship feels like, what friends used to mean to me.

I'm happy because I have my family but sometimes I'm just a little sad knowing that I'll never get better - that things are downhill from here health-wise. 

Read more about my illness: here.

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