Sunday, 17 July 2011

When it is enough?

"The Lord doesn't expect us to work harder than we are able. He doesn't (nor should we) compare our efforts to those of others. Our Heavenly Father asks only that we do the best we can—that we work according to our full capacity, however great or small that may be."
 Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I think it's definitely something we all do at some point in our lives; compare and contrast with others. 

As I'm sick and housebound I know that comparing and contrasting can be as bad as catching a cold or a sickness bug; it takes hold of me, makes me feel a hundred times worse and leaves me very weak. 

I used to care a lot more about the things I didn't have and the things I couldn't do. These days? I still care, just not half as much. 

I used to be jealous of those with mortgages. But in all reality a mortgage is a bad thing for us right now; if something went horribly wrong there is noway we could juggle a mortgage and repairs. By the time my parents were my age, they had a home and a mortgage but were they any better of than I am right now? They sacrificed, scrimped, saved and went through a lot to keep their home. They endured trials I couldn't face right now and I don't have to face. Because I don't have a mortgage. It's a blessing, not a curse.

So what of comparing your abilities to others? Are you constantly at it like me? 

I'm 25 and barely make it out of my flat three times a month. Of course I am going to compare my life to others. I think even 90 year old's make it out of the door more than me. I used to constantly put pressure on myself to do everything and be everything. I just can't do it any more. I'm frail at 25 and I have to be okay with that because there is no cure to my illness.

There is another gnawing hope inside my heart. Knowing the sweetness of the blessing that children bring into your life I have been craving adding to my family but I know it's not going to happen. One child is probably our limit and I realise this is a personal thing to write about but I'm fed up and exhausted of being asked when we're having another baby (unless you're my Dad because that's allowed.) 

We're probably not going to have any more kids, just so you know, not that it was any of your business in the first place. My failing fertility - again feeling old inside my body - and pathetic state of health is making sure of that. I was very fortunate that I had Roman when I did. 

But I'll tell you something; I am happy. So happy beyond anything I could measure. And I am grateful for the life I have. Because every now and then something comes along and reminds me not to be sad and to realise just how much I am taking on and doing. I'm taking on a lot and half the time I'm not even sure how I'm doing it. All I know is that I pray and somehow Heavenly Father makes all the pieces of the puzzle fit. He reminds me daily that I am doing my full to capacity best.

 And that if I feel that's not enough, tough luck.  It is enough.

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