Friday, 31 August 2012

Catch Up.

Jan 2012: This year has sped past.

Right now life has taken on a different meaning. It's evolving into something I could have never foreseen. I'll update on that later, but for now? I'm struggling to keep my eyes open, my energy levels up and my 'little' photography project under some kind of control. And control is a strange thing. It's an odd word that means nothing in the scheme of children and parenting. 

I wrote a while ago about not wanting to rain on Roman's parade and I think that's why I've taken a back seat with the daily writing. I need to really take a step back and just see him, rather than analyse the day to day. Taking photos allows me this, but writing lets me delve deeper and perhaps to cobble together stories that are sometimes bred out of my emotions that day. This isn't always a fantastic thing ;).

I can't seem to find the energy, time or motivation required for this project, but I know one thing; I must keep going. I hate quitting what I start, especially when I'm so close to completion. We're 9 months down with taking our photos, but only 8 months updated. During the week I just don't have the time that is needed to play catch-up so my plan is this: get everything done this weekend, on Saturday, when I have a few free hours all to myself. Those hours are delicious, so enjoyed, and I spend all week looking forward to them. 

I'm just so tired these days. So, so very tired. I know what I need, but I can't get it; more help. And if I did have it? Resentment from the other side would be felt; even if it wasn't there, it's always there without people speaking about it. I push myself to my absolute limit all the time because I'd rather ruin my health than feel the quiet resentment of others. My brother is visiting us for a week and I'm really, really going to enjoy that time with him. An extra pair of un-resentful hands is always welcome here when Bryan isn't around (the time I feel over whelmed the most.)

You probably think I'm weak or pathetic, or that I don't love my son. I'm not weak because so much has happened in my life, it's built up barriers, defenses, hard skin and I work my butt off every day to provide for my family. Pathetic? It's objective. I don't think I am. And I love Roman but I am sick, I am disabled and I'm doing a lot more than I should be doing. It's ridiculous but then, that's me, it's what I'm about. I take on too much all the time and I hate to sit still without something to do. I'm one of these annoying people who constantly pushes their limits, often times suffering set backs, and I still keep going. It affords me a semi-normal/average life that a lot of people in my position don't have. I'm fortunate but I'm still blooming knackered.

Edit: As I'm writing this I'm alone, with Roman. We're watching some science programme, which is always fun. My kitchen is a mess and it looks like the next 3 Saturdays will not be mine like I imagined. I have no idea when I'll update with 366 posts, but I'm very much behind on posting - and uploading so it's going to take a lot of my time and that's something I don't have right now. Help.