Sunday, 19 February 2012

50 Days of Doubt.


For the past few days, Roman's expression in this photo is how I've been feeling every time I log into this blog or visit the Facebook page. Discouragement. Stuck on repeat a little. And taking photos is getting very old, very quick for me.

I realise I signed up for a year of this. For better or worse. I'm not going to back down on that because I'm nothing if not stubborn but I also want to do this, it's just beginning to grate on me a little. I don't feel the same way I did when completing my 365 Project. I don't feel the excitement. I don't feel the pleasure. I don't feel the agony and the ecstasy. I just feel the pain of failure, sitting like a stone, heavy on my heart. What I've failed at, I don't know. It's the perfectionist thing. Nothing measures up.

He's so delectable at this age, even through tears and tantrums. I'm trying so hard to understand all the emotions; how they start, where they come from and knowing they'll end. Maybe I feel in over my head a little; maybe I feel my own emotions a little later about his 2nd birthday. My feelings can sometimes take their time to catch up with me. While everyone cries at a funeral I am the supposed pillar of strength, not feeling a thing until a week or two has passed. At a random moment I will begin to feel the little strings on my heart tug tight and I'll try to not let it in. 

Maybe it's that realisation, sweeping in and making it's appearance to the party almost two weeks later. I did wonder why I felt so 'together' when he turned two. I felt nothing about it; just another birthday. And now it's a whole other story. The problem is that I don't know how I feel - I don't want to cry about this, I want to self destruct. 

And that, that is exactly the kind of emotion Roman deals with on a day to day basis. We're the same, but different, me and this boy. We're so care-free, but easily wound up. We laugh at everything and cry when life doesn't go the way we thought it would. We won't make an effort  if it's not worth doing, but we'll give everything a really good try. And we'll be stuck obsessing on one task just to get it right, to perfect it until we're driven crazy with it. And we won't give up.

This is why I won't give up. Because time and his toddler hood will move too quickly and I want proof it actually existed - and I want to show him I gave a crap and that there are others who give a crap, too. That's why I'm continuing on.