Saturday, 9 June 2012
Being so far away from my own family is strange - it's been a new development in my life since 2007 but I can't get used to it. Bryan has his parents a street away, several family members nearby and Roman has grandparents, cousins and other family he see's every week. Today I got thinking about this. How they are bonded by blood and I'm just 'there' through marriage. I hope that feeling changes but I wonder if this is how others feel around their husbands/wives/other halves family?
Bryan's - and Roman's - side of the family is different from mine, different to what I'm used to and while it's something I rarely talk about today I want to talk about feeling pushed out. We left Roman with his gran and papa today, like we do every week, and as soon as we got to within viewing distance of their house Bryan completely changed - his demeanor, his posture - and as we got inside his accent changed. I remember the first time I noticed this and it made me laugh. It reminded me of my dad who does the same thing around different people and there's me; I've always tried my best to be polite to others but treat everyone the same, speak in the same accent and try to be relaxed around people. I'm constantly nice, even when someone is being mean...unless I know them fairly well and then I defend myself ;).
When we got round to the garden, where Roman was hanging out, he looked at me and said; "daddy?". 89% of the time it's this plea for dad, or daddy, and I'm always the bad guy. I hate it, there's no two ways about it. It makes me really, really sad and angry. Not angry at Roman but at myself. I must be doing something wrong, I tell myself. When I tell him no, when I take things away from him, when he's tired he'll still want the comfort of Bryan's arms. I tell myself it's nice that they're so bonded but the truth is that it makes me think I'm not at all bonded to Roman - it's not a jealousy for the bond father and son share, it's a worry that I've messed up and done something wrong. It's a worry that I will be forever pushed out.
I was feeling at the end of my last rag when we were at Bryan's parents because Roman kept doing lots of cheeky things and I kept telling him not to do it and, of course, he kept asking for cuddles from Bryan. I suppose it didn't help that I have no energy or patience today but honestly, it challenged my nerves. I just wanted to say to him; "fine, go to dad. I'll just stand back and let dad do everything since you love him so much and hate me so much." I didn't.
When we got home he was worked up and tired. So was I. I threatened to not take him swimming next week which is a stupid thing to threaten - 1. he doesn't understand or react to threats and 2. I'm not going to opt out of that just because we're tired and fed up. We're allowed to be tired and fed up but it taught me that I need to seriously watch what I say. This week has been hell, no two ways about it. Nearly every single day we've had melt downs and pleas for daddy - as if I'm a poor substitute. I've felt pushed out, stressed out and really miss my extended family. I hope that next week will be happier for my sake and Roman's.