Space.

Roman's room seems to go through phases of light, airy and spacious to cramped, full of crap and somewhere I can't even open the door on and feel proud of. Well over the past few weeks it's gone through the 'cramped, full of crap and somewhere I can't even open the door on and feel proud of' phase...what can I say? We're teens at heart. But guilt over came me this weekend and I set about remedying the situation in his room...so he can have space.

I moved the bed so it's facing the door, rather than right next to it. His clothes are where his bed used to be and in the above photo, some of his toys live in those storage containers, right next to his bed. When I announced to Bryan that I was going to finish up cleaning and sorting Ro's room he looked at me oddly then said; "But that's not a Sunday thing." My reply? "Well it needs to be a Sunday thing because I won't be able to get it done any other time." So I disappeared into the cave to beautify a space for our boy. I prefer to organise, sort and clean on my own because it turns into a time where I can work out problems in my head and just...be alone, getting on with the things that need done.

However Roman is becoming increasingly 'helpful' these days and insists on being present to assist me with anything that might need done. I'm glad of that because when I was a child I wasn't very organised, clean or helpful. In fact I used to stuff things into my wardrobe, throw them under my bed, sit on my bed with a book and keep an ear out for my mum coming up the stairs to check on my cleaning efforts. Roman, please stay 'helpful', please continue to 'put toys away, put toys away, keep going, keep going' and well I won't mind if you have a mild case of cleaning OCD* ;).

*Disclaimer: I don't like OCD jokes because real life OCD is not fun to live with, let me tell you...but you know I'm trying to get into this frame of mind that everything should be joked about because it will at least be talked about. Please don't send me hate emails!

Shade.

In our living room lives this spare shade. I keep telling myself I'll put it in Roman's room but I never get round to doing that ;). Today Roman discovered it and has re-invented it as some kind of mask. "BOO! I SCARY!" he says, peeking out of the other side.

Skeleton Style.

I managed to snap this stylish photograph as Roman was attempting to remove the skeleton suit he'd been wearing all afternoon. He paired the suit with one welly boot and one shoe (both on the wrong foot, of course.) I suppose this is what happens when you're a neglectful parent who is trying to de-clutter their living room and the toddler dresses himself. Oh his sense of style is wonderful, I absolutely adore his fashion choices.

More Ro Ro style.

A Little of What We Fancy.

I headed out of the door very late today - so late that the shops were long closed on the high street - and wrapped Roman up in a hand knitted hoody, jacket and for extra warmth I threw a blanket on top of his knees and tucked him in. Oh it was crisp, but it was cold - autumn is here and it won't be long until winter nips our hands and feet.

When we were shopping I spotted some vegan cakes in the supermarket and snapped them up. "Vegan cake! Vegan cake! Vegan cake!" Roman chanted on the walk home, tucking into a (synthetic) cream cake all the while. My reasoning is that a little of what we fancy won't harm us...and it makes me laugh that people can accuse me of 'depriving' Roman because we don't feed him McDonalds, Burger King meals or Kinder chocolate products. If only they saw these moments of indulgence and just how much there is for little vegan boys to be treated with.

Poor Diesel.

Me to Roman: "Ro, I don't think Diesel likes it when you do that to his mouth."

Ro (in response): "Diesel niceeee, Diesel like it!"

Let me just say that this cuddly Shar Pei is a very tender teddy bear of a dog. I've never been 100% comfortable with dogs being around my toddler (or baby) because I know that dogs will only take so much before they snap - sometimes quite literally. I'm careful, I don't even let Roman touch dogs unless I'm right there and even then he'll never have his hand on their mouth, or near their nose. Why? Um well because dogs really don't like to be touched in that general area and because it's just not smart of me as a parent. 

Although I did have to remind Roman to be gentle or more careful around Diesel I also felt very relaxed (instead of nervous and anxious) around this gentle beastie. I don't think Diesel enjoyed being followed, or when my back was turned, having his curly tail grabbed at (in fact I heard a low growl when Roman grabbed a tender spot on Diesel's tail.) But although he was stalked and hounded he kept his cool and gave all the patience in the world to Roman. I can't praise this gentle dog enough, really, he's a perfect dog and I was very tempted to try and sneak him home with us ;).

Friends?

This picture was taken before this one. It's also not the best photo in the world but this is because chasing doggies and toddlers is apparently difficult as they move so fast, thus resulting in poorly lit but tender photos that are 'in the moment' rather than 100% perfect.

Roman and Diesel were introduced rather abruptly yesterday afternoon. I say abruptly because Diesel's breed is a guard dog breed and part of this is barking at strange toddlers who walk in your front door ;). Diesel wasn't barking for long and soon after our arrival yesterday he seemed to accept us very quickly. And Roman? He loves animals but sometimes they really don't love him. Or rather they don't love his poking, prodding and following around. 

Roman loved everything Diesel did; crying, barking, peeing, shaking his head and all the rest he found highly entertaining and funny. All morning he stalked the dog and all morning Roman's new 'friend' put up with this treatment. In the photo above Roman is telling his 'friend' about the buses, cars and people he can see out of the window. Right after I took the photo Diesel jumped down, trying to get a reprieve from being stalked, and Ro still continued to follow him around wherever he went.

I decided that because we were having such a lovely time that we'd stay an extra day - why rush home when we don't have to? 

Adventuring.

I love city life, because I don't have to live in a city ;).

Press 'read more' to you know, read more ;).

Car Seat.

Neither Bryan or me own a driving licence and sometimes it's awful...but mostly it's great because we save money. Whenever the car seat is borrowed from Bryan's parents (who live a street away) Roman takes an opportunity to get excited about it. The car seat means he's going somewhere, after all, and at two years old that's something to get excited about.

The trouble is that he wasn't going anywhere ;). In fact when I snapped this photo me and Bryan were the ones heading out.

Aleksandr Orlov.

There is a popular advert featuring a meerkat called Aleksandr Orlov, from Meerkovo, and Roman adores him...so when we spotted him sitting on the shelf of a charity shop, fairly new looking we obviously snapped him up. When I handed him to Roman he was delighted and instantly he put him into shoes, took pictures of him and covered him in kisses.

The first time they met.

"Shoes on, meerkat."

Roman's portrait of his buddy Alexsandr.

In the shop me and Bryan clapped eyes on the toy, both thinking exactly the same thing and with Bryan voicing our mutual thoughts; "I bet Ro will take this meerkat into bed with him." Yep, that's exactly where he headed tonight and it's where all loved toys go to rest. In fact I decided we'd keep this toy 'good' and not offer it at bedtime but of course the screaming, tears and refusal to sleep played out and I caved. He got the toy in bed with him...not that it helped as a three hour cycle of be put to bed, cry and scream, get up was then in place. 

Sad.

A missed nap and a long day; this is the result.

I remember being his age very well. I remember my room being a scary place, I remember waking up in the middle of the night paralysed by fear; my larynx feeling closed through absolute terror of the dark, the strange noises and even my head board absolutely terrified me. Sleep and I weren't friends and we haven't really had a stable relationship since. My hope and wish for Roman is that he doesn't end up with the same sleep issues and every time he misses a nap or refuses to sleep I panic. 

I never know what to do other than not force him to sleep and to just be there if something is disturbing/upsetting him. But my goodness it works me up so much when he won't lie down when he's clearly exhausted and I lose it (shamefully.) I swear (shamefully), I sometimes cry and a lot of the time I just throw my hands up and wonder why. Why is he fighting sleep so much when he's clearly wiped out? It's rare when he fights sleep but because it's so rare I just don't know how to handle the situation - it's a new, scary, territory for me. And I'm sure it's not a barrel of laughs for Roman, either. For both of us; it's hell. Roman gets upset, teary and worked up and I'm much of the same. When Ro was four months old he refused to co-sleep with us so I know this isn't a route or option that will work for our family, despite many failed attempts to try this. It's just hard and upsetting to see him like this and not have any idea what you can do.

Ungle Fraser.

Roman's 'ungle' Fraser is here. Every time we ask Roman where his uncle is, he pinches his nose (my brother was biten on the nose by my parents dog, Shadow) and laughs. And when I tried to give Roman a cuddle this morning? "Want ungle Fraser!" he said and then not long after darted off to the living room to avoid being cuddled by me.

First Frost.

As our toes got nipped in the first frost of the morning Roman witnessed the bin lorry pulling out of our street. For weeks I've been promising him that we'll go and watch the lorry but we haven't got round to it and so today he ran to the door and demanded, "Want to see bin lorry!" and before I could really think about it we were outside; him in a hat, nappy and shoes and me in my PJs and dressing gown. Within seconds our teeth were chattering and we ran indoors to warm up.

Homework.

Bryan is doing very well at college, but Roman does miss him now that he see's less of his much loved dada. He's dealt with the change very well; he doesn't break down in tears or sad emotions when Bryan leaves or when he realises he's gone (unlike Bryan's first day at college) and I feel closer to Roman; I feel like I'm getting to really see him grow up and be a part of it. I thought that seeing less of Bryan would be hard and the thought of him going to college daunted me...but we're doing okay :). 

I have always felt on a somewhat uneven keel when it comes to motherhood; I can't handle the noise of children, the smells they bring, the things they do that drive me crazy and I let all the little things eat at me until I want to scream. I don't always do or say the right things and it seems to take me double the time than it does for Bryan to get things done. But we're doing okay. We're getting stuff done, we're having fun and I'm letting go of all those little things that drive me crazy. And Roman? He's benefiting from it all. Bryan is happier, there is always a fresh topic of conversation every time he comes in the door, there is a thirst for knowledge and at the end of all this he'll have better opportunities. Knowledge is everything. And I hope Roman is learning from this example in his life.

Tired.

Roman wakes early with Bryan most mornings. He's a very light sleeper - once he's asleep you take your life in your hands if you need to go into his room for something and it's rare if you can get up before him without waking him.

This results in a mid morning meltdown 4 times out of 10 and this face. Today I was very, very tired and so was Roman. We both went for a nap in the afternoon; something Roman rarely does these days and something I never do...but my goodness was it needed! 

Nurturing.

When I was a wee girl I loved my dolls. I couldn't have a child and not share that same joy that a baby doll gives you, and there's the no-getting-away from fact that Roman loves babies. He loves to watch birth videos with me, he'll run from the next room if he hears a baby crying on TV and when there are babies around him, he's ever so loving and gentle with them. He reminds me of Bryan, who is infinitely better at handling and dealing with babies than I am. I have my strong points but poo in a nappy makes me weak at the knees, even almost two and a half years into motherhood.

Roman loves his baby. Before bed he kisses it goodbye and tucks it ever so carefully into 'bed' (in his toy box) and when he wakes up in the morning it's the first thing he asks for. Once he has his baby he'll gather it up in his arms, covering it with kisses and feeding it 'juica' (juice.)

Two Year Old Photographer.

He watches me all the time. All the time. These set of photos remind me of this and that I need to seriously be on my guard with this boy. That aside he found my old camera in his room and declared it was his camera. "Roman's camera," he told me, upon finding his treasure. "Roman take photos." And so he did. Today Bryan was away and so I spent an hour and a half watching him take photos - on a camera that doesn't work! I almost couldn't believe we'd let time get away with us like that, but it was such a joy to watch his curiosity and interest grow.

I'm excited to see how this new passion of his evolves.

Kiss.

He hasn't kissed me for days yet we instruct him to give his granpa a kiss and he's all over that request. There is no shyness or awkwardness for Roman anymore, he's very open with my parents and welcomes them with open arms. I'm glad. I worried that living so far away would knock the relationship but it goes to show that distance really does make the heart grow fonder. 

I find it strange that my parents are grandparents, they don't seem old enough and I certainly do not feel 'old enough' to be a parent...yet here I am anyway. I'm glad I'm this boy's parent because it means that my parents are young enough to be involved grandparents for a long time to come and that in turn I might be a young thing when I'm a grandparent ;).

Lettuce.

This is the only photo I managed to capture today; Roman blatantly ignoring Bryan, who is telling him to hop into his buggy. "Lettuce!" he tells me, clutching his precious toy ever closer to him.

'Mummy, Ew!'

"Mummy, ew!" Roman said to me, pointing to the flour on the pitta bread. "Ew, yuck!" he said, to hammer home the point he was trying to put across. Then to completely discredit his comments he shoved one of pitta bread pieces straight into that crumb coated mouth. I love toddler double standards ;).

A Kitchen.

Last Christmas (2011) we bought this toy kitchen for Roman. For his first Christmas I'd mostly purchased wooden puzzle toys, 'baby' toys, and this pretend kitchen signified something for me; that I wasn't buying 'baby' toys and that we were making strides into toddler hood with Roman.

No matter how much you try not to be that mum who recalls the babyhood and wants to hold onto the sweetness of it a little longer you end up being that mum. I think the harder you push not to be the blubbering mess of emotions, the easier it comes. I've let few and far things really get to me in my life; I didn't even cry at my own wedding, faked tears at my big brother's wedding and you won't find me crying at funerals - and I don't know why. It's just 'me.' But the one thing that does get to me is Roman growing up before my eyes. The one thing that really tugs on my heart is this boy and the vast changes he's made since Christmas, 2011. 

When we un-boxed this kitchen, a few days after Christmas, Roman wasn't really interested in it like I thought he would be. Sure he played with it but he wasn't really 'into' it at all. In fact he used to go between using it as a garage for the one truck and two cars he owned (given to him by other people) and knocking it down; giving him a real thrill to see our horrified reactions to his destruction. So after the 20th attempt of him trying to completely oliberate the thing I decided it would be best moved into his bedroom, where it has been housed for a good few months and has been relatively untouched.

I decided to move it back into the living room and so far Roman has been really enjoying it again, much to my delight. He quickly scampers to it in the mornings, reaching for spoons, forks, cups and his 'soya burger.' My boy is happy, my heart is happy.

Though he wasn't happy here when I announced he'd have to tidy up his kitchen so he could eat real food.

Zoned Out.

Roman loves Bryan so much. When Bryan comes home Roman races to the door to greet his best friend and beloved daddy but I will say this much; I feel like I have Roman back to myself, too. I feel that he's more able to split himself down the middle to supply me with enough reciprocated love that my cup runneth over at times. And sometimes? I let myself become overwhelmed with just how much Roman needs me and I'm glad Bryan is there and I am glad they have forged this strong relationship with one another.

Though saying that there are times that Bryan completely zones out on a task and Roman just stares at him, watching his hero from the side lines. It's the funniest thing I've ever laid eyes on; a strange kind of adoration and admiration pours out of that little boy and I love him ever more for it.

200 MPH.

200 MPH is the speed at which Roman speaks. And when he gets going, he truly gets going. He's so like me in a lot of ways and then in other ways he's totally surprised me. Wherever he goes, he is admired. And yes, I know he's two, two is cute...but it's not that. It's him, all him. His personality can't fail to make you smile - or you know I like to think so and I hope I am not imagining this.

See, when I was a child people didn't like me. Not until they knew me, the 'real' me...because apparently I give off this prickly outer layer defense mechanism thing. I transitioned into a teenager who shuffled their way through high school without making any genuine friends that I kept in contact with and then came adulthood and boyfriends - and we all know that's one big ball of awkwardness. And if you don't know that; it is. 

But even though I know growing up was a series of embarrassing moments one to the next for myself I really hope it's not the same for Roman. I hope he's mature enough to handle the things that come his way and I really hope that he doesn't lose sight of the personality he can potentially grow into; influential, approachable, sociable, open, confident, controlled and mature. I see it in his no-holds-barred conversations with me, I see it in his cheeky attempts to get what he wants, I feel his spirit communicating with mine and whispering about the future. Oh it's so exciting, this life with this family of mine.

Boots.

I'm not sure about this photo one bit. Firstly it looks like Ro is taking a dump right on the carpet and secondly it looks like he's taking a dump right on the carpet. Still, the reality is that a lot of exertion went into getting his jeans over boots and it was a sight to behold indeed.

As for the boots? If Roman had things his way they'd be surgically attached to him. He adores those boots - and the red dinosaurs on them.

Just This.

Wrapped up in your 'leetle poo-poose' (as you call your/my blanket) there are no words for the cuteness that kills me. 

And the back story to this photo? Bryan is off every Friday (praise the heavens) and today, which happened to be a Friday, I was in bed dying under my duvet. All day I was descended upon; little (big?) bites of my food taken, my personal space invaded and knowing that I have no chance to recover my headache or energy levels and though I'm not too happy, in fact I was very grumpy about this, I love the little moments; the memories we make on our king sized bed.

Solidarity.

As a sign of solidarity Roman decided he'd join me on my plan to eat healthier. Every time I open up a sugar free jelly he rushes to my feet, eyelashes fluttering and mouth wide open ready to receive his share ;). And how can I say no?

This Toddler Life.

Bryan took this photo of us two. I was aiming for a 'nice' shot of me and Roman. By 'nice' I mean without his arms floating above my head so wildly or the fact he wasn't even looking at the camera...but that's not toddler life. And parenting a toddler can go two ways; you either laugh or cry into your pillow and while I sometimes do the latter, I try to do the former a lot more often because this set up is pretty sweet despite the wildness and the mood swings (me and him.)

Shoes On.

This year has been one full of large leaps of independence. In the past week or two Roman has been perfecting his shoehorning technique and all of a sudden he is completely able to take his shoes on and off himself, getting annoyed when I try to rush him by helping the process. "I doo it!" he'll scream if I try to interfere. So I don't. I've learned to step back and allow him the freedom and independence that comes with growing up.

'Want Lolly.'

I know I shouldn't indulge the cheeky you (and I often succeed at not doing so) but today after your nap you raced to the kitchen; begging for rice cakes, biscuits and lollipops. It's nearly been a year since you had your first ever lolly, from this batch of lollies that sit in our kitchen, and you haven't looked back since. Almost every time you spot them, you'll ask for one and often I tell you that lollies are special and you don't get them every time you ask...still you persist to ask ;).

So as I handed you a lolly I decided to sink the sugar ship and give you a biscuit with it, too. We're not a household that has a lot of sugar laden treats so I don't sweat the small treats you do have. I know that when you're an older child, a teen and an adult that you'll make wise food choices because I have complete confidence in our parenting that we'll guide you towards the choices that will lead you to good health. But please, enjoy your food and don't feel like you can't enjoy it. There's a whole world of tastes out there, waiting for you, and lollies? They're just the tip of the iceberg, my son.

Baking, Baking, Baking.

On Saturday I baked some banana bread and today we made cakes together. 

Sometimes I wish our adventures were more...adventurous. I worry that you'll be 18 and asking me things like; "what did we do through my childhood?" and my answer will be 'we made cakes, we coloured, played with toys, made up our own songs, you started to create your own language the way I did as a child and we went to the park now and then.' It just doesn't sound any different to the childhood's of those around you.  I want to be able to tell you that we climbed mountains together, swam in shark infested waters, ate mangoes plucked fresh from trees in exotic lands and generally did more 'wow' things than making cakes and finger painting. 

But it's okay that we're making different adventures, it's okay that this is our life right now and you're happy to be baking, to be colouring, playing with toys and living in one of the most beautiful countries in the world (you're so fortunate for that) and that's fine by me. It's okay that our adventures are baking, baking, baking. Baking is in my blood, I come alive when I am making and creating and I've noticed that you have that same passion, that same glint in your eye as I do. More frequently you beg me to help you cook so hopefully these kitchen adventures are exciting for you, hopefully it's 'enough.'

Sore Finger.

As you can well imagine Roman's finger was very sore after an accidental incident with a cousin closing a DVD cabinet on his poor finger. He was very proud to show me his plaster and sore finger, but wasn't so pleased when I attempted to remove the plaster to have a peek at the damage to his finger.

"Sore finger," he kept telling me over and over, pulling his body away from me when I dared to go near it. I told him I wouldn't touch it, that I would leave him be and I kept my promise. My curiosity would be quenched soon enough, I didn't need to cause him anymore pain or discomfort.