Little Pumpkin.

I'm a big Halloween fan and I was very excited to dress Roman up for the occasion. We went round to Bryan's parents where Roman was very fortunate to receive a few treats for being so cute ;). One of his treats was a car so he was very, very obsessed with this and wouldn't look at my camera at all during the night. Also...the bribery method of handing him crisps to look at me didn't work - what's a mother to do?  

Family and Food.

Two of my favourite things: family and food. And it would seem Roman is following suit in that line of favouritism, too ;). I headed out west today to enjoy some family time and some food time at the 13th Note; a very special cafe that has a very tender place in my heart not least because their sticky toffee pudding is something I might sell an organ for but because I can go there with my (vegan) side of the family and not worry about ingredients and cross contaminants. 

I managed to capture a few photos before the food arrived but in all honesty I was too wrapped up in how amazing everything was to sit there taking photos...and Roman was far too hyper to be contained in the high chair they brought out for him. He kept going between the high chair, back to Aunty 'Fo-na' to settle beside me - especially when the sticky toffee pudding arrived! I was happy to share with my merry little boy and he was glad of the ice cream being spooned into his mouth ;).

After we'd spent about an hour and a half at the 13th Note we spent about three hours in Hamley's toy store. Roman loved everything in his sight, but especially the massive giraffe they had at the front of the shop. He was also pretty pleased to spot one of his Christmas gifts in-store (he recently found the cupboard where all the gifts were kept, sans wrapping paper and they have since been moved and wrapped) and kept running up to it shouting; 'CHRISTMAS! THAT'S ROMAN'S CHRISTMAS!'. 

I was very, very happy that my aunt was returning back with us on the train because it was packed and people were rude as hell - I was nearly knocked down and my buggy thrown sideways on the walk to the train. At least in London no one would dare speak about the cramped conditions...and you know, tubes are designed for cramming situations and people are used to being in close quarters when travelling but oh my goodness it was the ride from hell for the first 15 minutes of that journey home. I will never, ever, ever be travelling at that time again! Overall: a good day and the result was that Roman went straight to bed without a peep ;).

2 and 26.

I'm 26 years old and Roman is 2 years old. He is a very healthy little boy who seems content, at peace and able to express himself as well as a toddler can. I try very hard to not shout or use unkind language and words because the world is full of them and I want him to feel safe at home, like I did as a girl. 

I can't believe how quickly time moves because in February, a few short months away, my toddler will be turning 3 and I'm not sure what I'm going to call him by then. He's not a baby any more, hasn't been for some time, and he feels more child than toddler these days except when he's in my arms; easy to pick up, easy to capture on the run and smother in kisses. He'll stretch, grow and mature. He'll become my boy, then my man...and then he'll be someone else's man and father. He'll make me a grandparent, just as he made me a parent and his mum. 

I don't know why I constantly look forward, perhaps because I can't look back in the same way as I can focus forward but I seem to find myself thinking a lot about the future lately. His future, more specifically. I try hard to picture him, this wild child with the kindest heart, in his future life. I try to handle him with care now so that a therapist or wife doesn't have to mend the broken pieces of his childhood. I try never to keep him out of my sight, but to keep my fears at bay, too. Parenting is hard in this way, but so much easier in others, and it's given me a fresh perspective. 

There wasn't a lot I couldn't empathise with in the past, but I could only give my sympathies to parents and wonder how everyone was managing to do it. It's always seemed like a mammoth task, because it is. But not for the reasons I believed. And now that I'm living through it: I understand it so much better.

New Coat.

With the Scottish winter coming in so suddenly these past few weeks I decided we needed to fight against it and buy Roman a thick and warm water proof coat. The coat was found and today he wore it for the first time outside. "MY lovely coat!" he told me, proud as punch to be wearing it. "Put MY hood up!" 

Cow-licked.

I was brushing Roman's hair tonight and realised something: it's very thick, just like mine. Also he's super cute ;)!

Doggies Juica.

My funny little man, who was bottle fed expressed milk a handful of times, feeding his doggy some 'juica' from the bottle...and yep he's been known to lift up his tops and try to feed them 'nilk' a few times, too ;). 

I've been noticing that lately Roman has become so much more caring (minus the few sharing issues he has with other children) and nurturing. I also like to think this is because I let him be whatever he wants to be, as much as I can. I don't tell him to stop behaving certain ways unless he's being aggressive and even then it's a mostly gentle approach where things are explained. If he wants to put on my clothes or run around naked...I let him. If he wants to parade around with my handbags on shoulder, that's fine by me too. I never tell him to stop behaving like a little girl or a 'jessie' - I hate that word so much. And anyway: what's wrong with behaving like a girl? Girls are pretty wonderful, actually. 

I've talked at length about my methods to dealing with upset children and gentleness, with a big helping of patience, is the one sure fire method of navigating the emotions of children. They need time, a lot of it. They need our presence, our touch, our reassurance and sometimes everything has to be put on hold so we can give it. Bryan falls naturally into the patterns and heart beat of my desires regarding this and that makes me happy. To know that not only Roman is being shaped and moved by the method I choose to practise but that my husband is, too and it reminds me of one thing: he needs the same things, too. I'm trying so hard but it sometimes feels easier to raise my voice in defence or snap back something cheeky to him...but for the sake of Roman, for the sake of him keeping the gentle balance in this household I know I need to try harder.

One day, when my son is grown, I want him to keep this gentle and nurturing side. And I want the influence to have been through our example and teachings. I know we can do it.

That Time of Year.

A while ago I spotted this location on a local photographer's Facebook page (yes, I'm a location thief!) and I decided it was truly wonderful and I needed to take photos there immediately. But then life happened and I forgot until today. The idea of going to this place and snapping a bunch of wonderful photos somehow got into my head but there was a snag on my plans: although I looked after Roman very well today I didn't look after myself very well. I couldn't be bothered to go out and by the time we did go out the afternoon light was fading to black. I also had to make pit stops to the shops to buy bribes to feed Roman (I'm a terrible mother) so I could get him to pose 'just so' and by the time we got to our location the light was completely gone. I had to crank up my ISO and rely on light shining in from Roman's left to light my photos. 

I honestly do not know how this local photographer does their job because quite frankly: the image I saw in my head? It didn't match reality one bit. The bribes didn't work, for a start, which was a huge shock for me and because it was dark Roman was a bit scared to be more than a footstep away from me. But this photo represents everything I love about this time of year: crunchy piles of leaves, a cosy jacket with plenty of layers underneath and so many pretty back drops where we live. I'm excited for winter to truly come in.

Taking Care.

Roman: the nurturer. He loves babies and I seem to be spying these scenes an awful lot...which is both endearing and heart breaking for me. Endearing because to know your child wants to nurture and care for people, toys, animals and every thing he can get his hands on is the sweetest. Heart breaking because I'm not entirely sure he'll ever have a baby brother or sister and sometimes I don't know how I'll answer the question that might come about that one day!

Still, with that said, I want Roman to know that sometimes I'm so overwhelmed that it might be just him. I feel so fortunate that he's here, in my life and because of that it's beyond my wildest hopes and dreams. I get a little insulted when other parents (well meaning, I'm sure) tell me that Roman isn't enough; that I need to have more children, for his sake and for my own. I want to tell them all; "Actually, he's so wonderful that I don't feel like I need to have other children!" when the truth is so...complex and personal. 

Roman being born when he was seems like a miracle to me when I weigh up all of the challenges these past 3-4 years have brought. Had we decided to wait a little longer, to be a little more settled and richer, we might be child free at this very moment in time. I'd be miserable because I was miserable with every negative test I had before I got the positive plus sign. There were nights I would cry myself to sleep because I very much wanted a baby, but it didn't feel like it would happen and when it did happen I was terrified; my life was changed forever and the marvellous journey of Roman's life began. 

Hi. This is a Blog Post.

Um so...the posts have been lacking lately. The reality is that I've been busy, busy, busy and I haven't really had a moment to edit photos and share them on here. I haven't really had time to think about what to actually do with my time because it feels as though every minute is taken by life. The thing is this: I always do more than I can manage and burn myself out. Doing things mostly single-handedly with Roman I don't have a chance to recoup any energy - lately he's been getting up stupid early and waking up from naps early, too. If I take the naps away it doesn't make any difference. If I keep him up later, much of the same. It's tiring and exhausting because there is absolutely no room for taking pictures, blogging and sometimes eating (on top of research, house work, working out my future plans). If it wasn't for Bryan coming home every lunch time I don't think I'd bother with food.

Despite all of this physical stuff I don't feel emotionally zapped at all. In fact I find my list of things to feel sad about is well...non existent. If I were feeling down emotionally I'd honestly believe I was depressed, but I'm not. I'm sitting on the surface of content with sprinklings of frustration and annoyance because life is not perfect. 

So I need more time to catch up with the photo posts. And no: in the time it took me to write all of this I couldn't have done a photo post. It takes me about an hour per post and I have a few days worth to catch up with...so no I don't have the time for that ;). Tonight I'm wrapping Christmas presents that I bought ages ago because I don't want to spend my birthday (24th December) wrapping them, like I did last year. For now I'm going to watch a programme about homes in small spaces, wrap my Christmas presents weeks ahead of schedule and when I'm done I'm going to celebrate with vegan pizza. When I'm done me and Bryan will watch Lost and the whole time I'm sitting there I'll try not to think about what I should/could be doing. 

Are you a freak like me? How do I lose some control over my control? Why am I such a perfectionist? HELP!

Conversationalist.

Talking to me about cameras. I love this boy in a way that I can't describe and I'm sure I've never felt before because this love, these moments, it's motherhood in the making.

Little Friend.

Whenever I stepped away from Roman to take a photo, he followed not wanting to be from my side. I'm sure one day I'll look back on this and wish for the moment back, so I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts.

Mummy's Crap Camera.

Today it got to 6pm and I'd just remembered I needed to snap a photo. The trouble was that my camera battery needed charged and with it being completely out of juice it takes hours to charge, so out my old camera came. Oddly enough Roman responded very positively to it by jumping up and down on the spot shouting; "camera! Mummy's crap camera!" Ha! That boy has a memory that never forgets, that's for sure ;).

 The last time I locked eyes on my old camera was back in March, when Ro was 25 months old. It was in February, when he turned two, that I declared it was no longer fit for my purpose, that I didn't feel challenged at all in using it (only having bought it the previous August I can see why this qualifies me for being a spoiled brat, but still, the point remained true.) So you see why I'm impressed with his memory. 

Also in the photo above? He was telling me all about the food he was eating, along with the foods he enjoys usually. 

Freezing.

I was happily sitting wrapped up in a blanket when a little tea leaf came along and nabbed it from me. "Roman's freezing!" he told me, wrapping himself very snugly in his (my) stolen blanket. 

The Glow of the TV.

Head pounding, sore throat and Bryan in charge means that Roman has been enjoying the glow of the TV a little too much today ;). It's kind of embarrassing to tell you that every time I now try to turn off the TV Roman breaks down and asks for 'CBeebies back on' and for the TV remote. Next week it's all change and I'm seriously considering ditching the TV licence in light of this development. I do not want a TV addicted child!

Back to crafts, painting and play times once things go back to normal next week - I only hope that I'm back to normal by next week because if not I might have to rely on our trusty babysitter just a tiny bit longer.

A History of Undressing.

From about 5-6 months Roman began undressing himself and I have to confess as a parent one of the things I was dreading was being encouraging about my child dressing and undressing themselves - most of the children I've known and worked with hated dressing and undressing themselves and teaching this basic skill to them has always been a nightmare. 

With Roman he started early; beginning with disliking socks or shoes on his feet and learning to eventually wriggle out of them by 2-3 months. At 5-6 months he was pulling tops over his head. At 10 months I began to give him the freedom of dressing himself, selecting his clothes and leaving him to his own devices. It didn't always work out perfectly and some assistance was often required...but still out went the awkward phase of 'you need to do this basic thing for yourself, I can't dress you when you're 18!' and I was glad.

Today I began to develop a very sore throat and pounding head ache and was very grateful Bryan has the rest of the week off. Then he went off with the missionaries tonight! We did okay and I was so, so, so very grateful that Roman could undress himself...although he did leave that vest sitting on top of his head and told me it was his new hat ;). 

Caleb.

Today Bryan was helping his sister move house and in place of Bryan I got Caleb - a cute 4 month old kitten that loves to cuddle - for the day. My day was then spent trying to keep these two at a reasonable distance from each other as Roman is still at the stage of rib squishing and tail pulling these cute little critters.

"CALEB! CALEB!" he'd say, chasing him all over the house. When Caleb ducked behind the sofa Roman was quick to scold the little cat. "Caleb, you come out there now! Get down, naughty cat!"

Jacket On, Let's Go!

My parents paid us a visit on their way to Dunoon to attend the Gaelic festival, the Royal National Mòd where my dad is singing with his choir. Roman was asleep when they arrived but when he woke up he enjoyed being wrapped in a blanket and snuggled in with his granny. He came to life within half an hour and at the mention of going in the car to the shops he ran around the living room very excited at the prospect of taking a trip in his loved car seat.

"Help!" Roman said, bypassing me and heading straight for my mum with his unzipped jacket. I'm happy with his ease, with the bond that formed in the summer and has stayed since and most of all I'm surprised at myself; at how easy it is to watch others love him without feeling jealous of the relationship and able to enjoy it completely.

No More Cheese.

I made up a roll and (vegan) cheese for Roman today. We were in somewhat of a rush and so I moved his high chair into the hall so I could supervise him in my rush to get ready and get out the door. I caught glimpses of him pulling off the cheese and eating it, rather than tucking into the roll itself. When he'd successfully ate all the cheese there were tears and this heart broken face, with a plea for more cheese.

"There's no more cheese," I gently informed him and that tipped the upset into a rage.

"CHEEEEESEEEEEEEEEEE! WANT CHEEEEEEEEEEEESEE!"

I told him again there was no cheese, explained it was okay to be annoyed about this fact but asked him not to shout. "You can be angry, but there is no reason to shout." And he stopped shouting. Lately I've been noticing that his understanding is improving at a scary rate - scary because there are times when I believe he won't 'get' something and then he surprises me by proving that he understands it far better than I have given him credit for. Though this doesn't happen an awful lot when it does happen I'm thrown ever so slightly - and again reminded: he's growing up.

Gig-ness Card.

Used tickets, small cards, library cards and bank cards are all gig-ness (business) cards to Roman. He's quite fascinated by them, in fact and if you take the business card from him before he hands it to you? He'll be very annoyed.

Scottish National Dress With a Modern Twist.

I ordered this outfit last week because we have a family wedding in the summer of 2013 coming up and I like to be prepared and organised way ahead of time. As soon as you were shown the kilt you wanted to put on your 'dress.' "My lovely red dress," you kept saying, stroking the material. "Like it." 

I wasn't sure what went where or how a kilt should be worn - in fact I had to Google 'highland shirts worn with kilts' a few days ago to see how the whole outfit should be put together and found out that tucking in the shirt to the kilt is the most common look for a wedding - who knew? Bryan wore a kilt on our wedding day, my dad used to own a few kilts and whenever there has been a family wedding most of the men wear kilts. It looks smart, handsome and it's our national dress. 

And usually kilts aren't worn with trainers ;). I'll need to look into buying kilt socks and smart shoes - I think it would be child cruelty to force a toddler into a pair of brogues! 

P.S My heart broke a little when I noticed just how grown up he looked here - I feel like I'm looking into a mirror of the future, you know on his wedding day or something. So scary. Also he was successfully charming our neighbour in this photo - where did this child learn his social skills? I have none. And he amazes me. 

RAR!

New slippers, bought on a bit of an impulse but not an entirely worthless purchase either. 

Every morning Roman's vest and pyjamas have to be removed because they smell so bad (from poo. Yep, another lesson thrown at me through parenting a toddler) resulting in him getting very cold quickly. I remedied this by buying him a dressing gown for his birthday, thinking it would solve the issue and it didn't really. It's cold more often than warm, or even mildly warm, in Scotland and so slippers are essential to not freezing your baws off. I have slippers and variations on slippers in the form of slipper socks kicking about for the constant freeze that eats up about 7/8 months of the year and now Roman has these, his treasured slippers.

When I announced it was bedtime he carefully removed his pair of slippers, carried them softly to his room and ever so gently put them to rest on top of his toy box. I hadn't asked or expected him to take them off, so I was surprised at the level of care he'd put into looking after them. I'm happy with my impulse buy and it appears Roman is, too. 

Pick & Mix Dinner.

I took these photos to show you, when you're older, the kind of foods you ate as a toddler. The kind you loved, begged for and that sometimes it wasn't all me forcing you to eat vegetables (not that I ever do, mind you) and healthy things. A mixture of pineapple fingers, lumps of mild soya cheese, gluten free oatcakes (because they were cheap and full of fibre-rich seeds) with herb soya cheese, Jelly Tots (vegan, to my surprise) and plain Hula Hoops are sometimes the dinner time order.

The first thing you go for? The lumps of cheese. Then you move onto the pineapple. I'm surprised that your first choices are fairly healthy...because if it were me at two years old I think I'd annihilate the Jelly Tots (which I now despise) and then move onto the Hula Hoops, eating the healthier things last ;). You're different, your tastes are different, tastes expand with every generation as more and more previously exotic foods become normalised. 

In my childhood pineapple came in tins or if someone could be bothered to hack it up you could buy a whole pineapple and chop it up. For you it comes ready chopped; either as chunks or whole in a packet. It comes tinned, too; chunks or rings, take your pick. And it comes dried; as crisps or chunks. Choice is massive, even for something as insignificant as pineapple. Oh the future is so vast and exciting - I can't wait to see what's next.

"Want Gurga (Burger)!"

My stripey boy trying to mastermind a way to get to that plate of food to his left.

Seeing as the chesty sounding cough hadn't cleared up I decided to make a doctor's appointment for Roman yesterday. The receptionist awarded me with an appointment this afternoon which meant that Bryan could take Roman along without me having to trek all the way over to the surgery. 

It turned out Roman was absolutely fine (apart from a chesty cough) and Bryan was given a leaflet that the doctor undoubtedly hands out to every first time parent...but it's better to be safe than sorry. And I waited a good time between Ro developing the cough and taking him to the doctor so I don't feel there's any embarrassment to be felt on my part, it's what every good parent does; makes sure their child is safe, healthy and cared for. Plus if there was something more sinister under that awful wheezing? I'd never forget I'd caused damage to my child's health when there are doctors and medicine out there, free at the point of entry no less, for us to use. 

When he got home Roman demanded a slew of foods he wanted to eat, surprising me with his sudden appetite. When he realised that his veggie burger was cooked and waiting for him he wanted it immediately. "WANT GURGA!" he said, gluing his eyes to the burger. "Want sauce, want roll, want gurga." I told him it would have to cool down first, otherwise he'd hurt himself and he simply didn't care about my reasoning ;). So once the burger was cooled, it was served and promptly devoured as though it was the last morsel of food on the face of the earth. "All done, want biscuit, want jelly," Roman informed me very matter of factly. As a special treat he had ice cream...and when he was done with that? "Want cereal." I suppose after a few days of picking at meals and not eating very much his appetite was restored and it's safe to say that he's on the road to a speedy recovery ;).

Ready for Winter.

Last year's hat; a little mis-shapen from being washed (oops) but still being put to good use. And still  very much loved by it's owner. Hello hat, hello winter, hello freezing temperatures, hello freezing cold house I will bid you a fond farewell when spring comes!

Hiding.

Lately Roman has taken to saying, "scary daddy, very scary" whenever Bryan comes into the room. I haven't ever brought it to his (Bryan's) attention before but then today Roman reacted very badly when he walked into the room. Without seeing the clippers he had tucked under his arm I decided to say something about Roman's reaction. "He's doing that a lot," I said to Bryan.

"Aye cause I've got the clippers through," he said, turning to show me the dreaded clippers tucked neatly under his arm. Roman has mixed reactions to these clippers but most of the time he has an aversion to them...and I don't blame him. They're noisy, have nicked his ear before and they look scary, even to me.

"Hiding! Hiding!" Roman said when I took this photo, burrowing himself deeper into the blanket and eventually demanding he be picked up. When we introduced the clippers near his head he kept saying "nooo!" and "wah, wah, wah" (you know actually saying it, not just crying.) It's not smart or clever to attempt a haircut on a sick toddler, that's the lesson learned for today.

Sick Boy.

Sometimes I have to snap photos quickly, without much chance to set up the shot how I'd like and this photo is a result of this. With your quilt in focus and your face out of focus. And I confess; I was using auto focus here. If you grow up to be a photographer, I apologise in advance!

Today: you were sick and my throat began to become scratchy. Your chesty cough is unbearable to hear and when we were outside I had to stop to stroke your head and face every so often, to reassure you. We were heading out for supplies and so Bryan could work - and so I didn't have to tidy the big mess in the middle of the living room floor ;). While we were out I was sure you'd sleep in your buggy, you didn't. Our sleeping habits parallel; both light sleepers who can only sleep in a bed, but who might rarely fall asleep on a sofa. What we want when we're sick? The same basic things; reassurance, reassurance and more reassurance.

You were tired and very ready for bed, totally run down and ill. I'm worried about you more than usual and my fears sound like this:

What if you choke and die in your sleep?
What if you wake up in the night, crawl out of the covers and die of hypothermia?

What if, what if, what if....

To be a mother of a sick child is to be wracked with worry. This illness will pass and I'll forget my fears but for now I have them rattling around in my brain. I hope you're better soon.

No Photos!

Roman to me: "NO PHOTOS!"

Me (snapping away): "Just a few, wee man."

Roman: "NOOOOO! NO FEW!"

Sorry, Roman...but I kind of had too. It was half an hour away from bed time and I hadn't taken my photo for the day. I can't give you a 366 Project book with a missing photo now, can I? I'm sorry, it felt a bit mean but for records sake I had to take a few photos. Before this you were turning away and covering up your face with your arm :(. 

This is the first time in the history of Roman that this has ever happened and I think it's down to this stupid cold he can't seem to shake. I put my camera away as soon as I got this photo, I promise!

My Bumble Bee.

I dug out this fleece that Roman wore last winter, thinking it would be far too small for his growing 2 (almost 3) year old body. Well, I was proven wrong! It fits him perfectly. 

"Roman like it," he told me when we put it on together. Oh I'm glad because if this weather continues you'll end up wearing this fleece an awful lot under your little pilot's jacket.

Fluff.

  I love the fluff/bed head look when Roman wakes, he's like a little fluffy chick with this massive fluff situation going on at the back of his head ;).

Lashes.

Bryan and I have very long lashes and this seems to have been passed onto Roman. When Ro was a baby I was often told that my 'daughter' is very beautiful...despite my 'daughter' being dressed rather like a boy ;). I've always thought that this mistaken gender has been down to these long lashes which seems strange to me as all the men in my life have long lashes and the women have to wear mascara to bring out their lashes. Me? I wear mascara to make my eye lashes look even bigger, with many people asking where I've 'bought' my eye lashes.

I love Roman's eyelashes, but then I love everything about him so I think I might be a tiny bit biased.

Tired and Unhappy.

Screaming fits, tears and meltdowns. That's what today was made of. But there is some silver in the lead lining of today's rain cloud; I've noticed that Roman is quick to recover from his meltdowns and that most of his problems can be solved by the one thing he craves throughout his meltdowns and that is attention.

I've always thought it right to ignore a child who is tired and unhappy - and declaring this through screaming or protesting against wanting chocolate for their lunch - because it allows them to work out their feelings in relative peace, without feeling overwhelmed or being told 'how to be.' Well it turns out that Roman wants me there; needs to know I'm at least watching him and that we're never more than arms length apart. I had my eureka moment when he was begging me over and over for some treat crackers (that he'd been stuffing his face with previously) and he then began to get frustrated that I wasn't allowing him to keep stuffing his face with them.

Our conversation mid-meltdown:

Roman: "WANT CRACKUS (crackers)!" 

Me: "They're all done for today."
Roman: "Want cheese crackus!"
Me: "We don't have cheese, babe. And I don't want you to have more crackers today because you've already ate a lot."

So I sat there, on the floor outside the kitchen, and I watched him unfurl quickly. I offered my arms and he shook his head, he then started to scream for his 'crackus' instead. By this point I'm sure most parents would give in and give their child the crackers but I was trying to head out the door and I felt harassed to get back in time for Roman's dinner, plus with dinner not being too far away I didn't want him to fill up on crackers.

Eventually the frustration lifted and he found his way to my lap where I explained what was happening. After my explanation his bad mood lifted and he stopped begging for food. Of course that all went to pot when Bryan walked in the door and Ro thought he'd try his hand at asking his dad for crackers ;).

This photo? It was when he decided he wanted 'bed.' A missed nap isn't fun.