Awkward things I've read this week:
A blogger talking about how they 'got to have sex.' Um yeah you got married and the obvious conclusion is that you did the deed. I seriously did not need confirmation on that matter!
Things I've been thinking this week:
I feel the weight of bringing another life into this world heavy on my heart - and if I'm honest, on my soul. It's not got so heavy that I can't bear it, but it's there. And with each and every announcement of pregnancy there is a fresh sting of 'this will never happen to you again' and it makes me sad that my pregnancy with Roman was challenging. It also makes me wonder 'do I want this so much because I want to rectify the past?' and sometimes I wonder if a second child birth will be harder on me; longer, more trying, more pain. My body doesn't feel
right; like the broken element of a light-bulb clattering inside the bulb when it is dropped.
I really feel my 20s slipping away from me this year, too. In December I will be 27 which is strange to me because at 17 I imagined at 27 I would have my life in order and that everything would be effortless. Nearly 10 years later not much has changed apart from the fact I've decided to stick with one hair colour, one man who I married, lost a few friends and I have a child. Not much then ;). I sometimes think my 'challenge' in life is to lather, rinse and repeat. To always be stuck in the same cycle, with different circumstances.
I am done being car free. I don't really have a choice on this because that's not likely to change in the next few years. Our car free status is actually better since we moved in July because everything we need here is within a comfortable walking distance. But I'm still going to be a brat and say I want a car because when you don't have a car people make assumptions about you - like I care, I know - and worst of all a lot of the things I want to do with Roman are off the list. Safari park? Forget about it. Zoo? Not happening. Everyone who owns a car tells me that not having one is great, that you can travel on trains and it's this big adventure. Well when you're doing that as a means to get around it's no adventure, let me tell you. But then I think of the money we have that car owners have to sink into repairs, petrol, general 'car stuff' and the fact that I use my legs and feet to get around - it's good for me, right? ;). Oh but then I get angry because I look at all the pretty Ikea things and can't get to Ikea because of the car-free thing...oh well, again, we're saving money and I shouldn't be so greedy/materialistic.
I can't wait to watch the Walking Dead on Monday. Second series has started up on channel 5 over here and being as we just got a TV last year - after two and a bit years of not having one and swearing never to get one - we don't have 'cable' or 'Sky' as it's known here. Some people have 'Virgin' (yes, as in Richard Branson and not the aforementioned LDS bride before her wedding night) and also on top of paying for your TV service through these companies everyone who has the pleasure of owning a TV set in the UK also has to have a TV licence. We paid ours up as a one-off fee...but more happy news, readers: it needs to be paid every year. It is a government 'tax.' And it is the biggest joke of the UK. Anyway, we have a TV and we have our licence. That expense alone doesn't allow much room for cabled or non-cable pay-for-TV services for us - we like to pay our rent upfront instead because we're 20-something OAPs who are sensible. So channel 5 really came through when they bought the second series because I really, really didn't think they would do that and I was so ready to buy the second series from Amazon. Well I am happy. It fills the hole in my soul and it's our Family Home Evening activity on a Monday - who can top that?
If Bryan ever became the bishop - in 20 years time, lets say, since we're being hypothetical, then that would make him 'my bishop.' Weird. My dad has been a branch president and bishop but you know, that wasn't weird at all. It seemed like the obvious thing for him because he is a leader in life. This is no slight on Bryan's character at all because he is also the head of our household, he has a quiet authority whereas I'm...more...loud with my authority. He holds a responsible calling in a presidency at church right now and I have to say I don't know how he's such a natural to his callings. I have never been very good at church callings, apart from nursery, because the children love you automatically and barely talk back. I'm sure that if I got a calling I would be brilliant but I don't know if I'd be naturally brilliant at it, you know? It would take a lot of learning and persevering on my part - going on past experiences. I also think I'd be dumped with the 'problem' children because I was a hell raiser in my primary days and karma likes to bite back.
I have ordered some nail polish from Avon. Then I realise; 'Avon test their cosmetics on animals.' And...I've been trying to get my make-up bag from not so vegan friendly to completely vegan friendly. I am so smart ;).